


What's next?

by Kobuntan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood, Death, Depression, Drama, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Minor Character Death, Mocking, Nightmares, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:56:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 25,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3913759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kobuntan/pseuds/Kobuntan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since I’ve joined the Survey Corps, I had so much work to do that I haven’t been able to rest, not even once. But I was grateful for that, kind of. It was better than how it was with me a few months ago...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How it all started

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own SNK characters.

Since I’ve joined the Survey Corps, I had so much work to do that I haven’t been able to rest, not even once. But I was grateful for that, kind of. It was better than how it was with me a few months ago...

_The weather wasn't the worst that day, the sun was shinning, the sky painted with some clouds here and there. I was running away from the Military Police again, because I had to steal food to survive. I had nothing, I was living like a garbage – hiding in the shadows, eating food from trash or stolen ones and empty boxes had “home sweet home” door-mat on them. I was dirty, shameful and helpless..._

_Everyone in the city wanted my head on their table. I robbed all of them, but I needed to survive and also they were just pieces of trash, dirtier than I was. I was wanted no.1 in Military Office, because I’ve committed so many crimes which can only lead to death penalty for me..._

_However, they haven’t caught me before, not even once - until now. As I was still running, they almost caught me, but someone else managed to do that and pulled me to the dark aisle. I tried to defend myself, but he was way too strong. He held me tightly with one arm snaked around my whole body and kept my mouth shut with the other one. I felt his chest as close as possible pressed on my back and his back pinned on the wall of some building. My muscles were tense, on the other hand, his body felt relaxed._

_“Don’t move.” I heard his calm whisper near my ear and his hot breath on my neck, which caused a shiver to run down my spine. We’ve been waiting until the Military Police gave up searching and went back. I wanted to break free, but he still held me. There was a dead silence for a while. I shrugged, I believe he felt how uncomfortable and tense I was, and so his quick explanation begun._

_“Wait for a moment, in case it’s a trap.” he whispered again, at the feeling of his warm breath touching my neck I yanked my head on the side, trying to act all calm, although I could stay quite without his little “help”. I didn’t even know who was holding me because I had no chance to see his face, yet, but he was certainly tall I could at least sense that. He was also muscular; I felt like a caged animal in his arms. I bet his muscles under his clothes were quite tempting..._

_Before I could fantasize even more about him, he released me from his embrace because we could hear and see the daily life on the street again. I was finally able to see his face properly – he looked amazing. His sun-like short hair was typical for blue eyes like a sea he surely possessed. His cheekbones were perfectly manly; one could cut himself on them. But he had one mistake – he was dressed similar to the Military Police officers._

_“Why did you save me, soldier?” I barked at him first, trying to hide most of my annoyance of his appearance. If he is one of them, shouldn’t he capture me and be on their side? Did he hit his head..?_

_His serious face hasn’t changed a bit, but his voice was calmer and colder than his whisper a few minutes ago._

_“I saved you, because you are worthy of being one of us. Join the Survey Corps.” he stated simply as if he would be talking about weather. He is clearly mad._

_What is he talking about? Me joining the Survey Corps?_

_“You can’t be serious. Do you even know who I am?” As for answering my question, he pulled out a paper with my face on it and a reward for my catching. I took a quick glance at the drawing, that person who drew it had obviously some issues. My head looked like tiny table, the rest is not worth mentioning. They should hire a new one._

_“I am well informed to know who you are. That’s why I want you to join my squad. You are almost uncatchable, smart and you possess impressive fighting skills.” Flattery won’t get you anywhere; I scoffed in my mind as he continued. “I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at 5 a.m. in the training camp.” he wanted to walk away like we made a deal and he just informed me where I have to come._

_What is that man thinking? My anger showed up very quickly._

_“Are you kidding me? I definitely won’t come to Survey Corps! I don’t know if we are talking about the same Survey Corps, soldier, but people are dying there!!! And who the hell are you, anyway?” I balled my hand_ _into a_ _fist_ _, my anger reached its limit, but as he started to speak to me again, he cooled me down really quickly..._

_“My apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. What is your name?” His voice sounded different and I lifted my eyes, his voice showed no emotions. It felt like I was some kind of dirt he needed to clean up. I was taken aback from the change in his behaviour, so I lowered my head and answered his question like some disobedient child, who is scolded for something. Wait, did he just...?_

_“Well then, if I understand it correctly, you will be dead anyway, because you angered the entire human kind and now you are wanted dead or alive. They even built an execution place for you, as I’ve heard. So now, you have 2 options. You can run and hide for the rest of your short life like a coward, or you can bring a meaning to your life by joining the Survey Corps. As I’ve said earlier, I’ll be waiting for you at our training camp at 5 a.m. Make sure to come in time; I have other duties to fulfil. Well then, see you tomorrow.” His last words hit me, he left me standing there, I kept staring at his back with a mess in my mind..._

Up until now, I was wondering if he was bluffing with the execution place, or not.


	2. Accidents Can Happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own SNK characters.

Of course I went there the next day. I made it to the training camp just in time, where Erwin was already waiting for me as he has said. _What a nerd._ I rolled my eyes. He started my training immediately and all by himself. I wasn't sure if he trained everyone personally or not, but thinking back he said he was the Commander, so I doubt he had so much free time.

At some point, I felt kind of special. I have been training for just one month, but every day from sunrise to sunset, sometimes without food or sleep, what made me stronger than any other soldier in Survey Corps. But it was such a pain to be honest, I was already used to being starved but without proper sleep I thought I might go crazy.

  
After my proper (or more than proper I shall say) training, I entered the Survey Corps immediately as Erwin's main assistant, although I was just a freshman there. Like a little lamb thrown to the wolves, but well, I had some hidden cards at least. It was a high position almost like a Squad Leader, because at that time we were constantly going on missions to find out more about titans, not just to kill them, Erwin divided our group into two and I was the leader chosen by him. He trusted me enough to give others’ lives into my hands. I felt so much responsibility.

This was something new to me, I never really guided other people nor I have their lives in my hands. I felt like a chess player, a gambler, like Erwin himself.  As for my division, we always managed to return alive, all of us. I cannot say that for the other divisions, though. Erwin was always few steps ahead; I wondered how his brain works.

We were heading back to HQ from our last reconnaissance operation and everyone was tired, so we wanted to go straight into our rooms and relax, but we had to fill up so many reports, we had to work until late night. I was hardly getting used to these things.

I was sitting in Erwin’s office the whole time, mostly in silence, but it didn’t last long. I couldn’t sit there anymore, because my butt started to hurt just like my hand and I wanted some coffee as well, because I felt like I could collapse and fall asleep in any minute. Speaking of Erwin, he was no exception... I took a quick glimpse of my Commander and he looked as tired as I did, but somehow he still managed to look flawless.

_Unfair!_

“I’ll make some coffee for us, sir.” I was about to stand up, but he stopped me, his eyes still fixed on the papers.

“No, it is a waste of time! It’s not necessary. There are only few papers left. Let’s just finish it quickly and go to sleep.” His last sentence sounded more like a command, his voice came out harsher, but I didn't feel particularly compelled to obey him. Not this time.

“Sir, if all _these_ are just few papers," I showed him with my hand the amount of documents lying on his table, "I cannot imagine what _many_ papers to you are. This is too much for both of us to finish without coffee. If you don’t wish to stop this work immediately or collapse during the process, please let me make some coffee.” I tried to sound as convincing as I could, at some point even rude. His face looked way more tired now and with all that weight of burdens on his shoulders he had to carry... I wanted to help him as much as I could but even I had some limits and this insanity of his was one of them. I believed that he was sleeping with those damned papers too. If he wanted to overwork himself to death, I wouldn’t stop him, but I didn’t want to end up the same. The circles under my eyes looked like bags already.

I liked myself enough to prevent that from happening.

He sighed deeply but finally nodded, probably too tired to have an argument with me. One point for me. I headed to our canteen to get some hot water and coffee powder. There was no one to be found – no wonder, everyone was probably peacefully sleeping and dreaming about their mother’s cooking art in their beds. Lucky bastards, how I envied them! A deep sigh escaped my lips. They were so lucky that they didn’t have to help that crazy workaholic... The canteen was no longer covered with silence; I was making some noise in order to make our coffee and silently cursing on my commander. I wasn't the silent type anyway. I was so deep in thoughts that I haven’t realized someone’s arrival; I felt an angry glare piercing my back.

“What are you doing at this late hour, brat?” I could hear a sharp-like-razors and husky voice of the short man, who was no other than my corporal. _What luck to meet him here!_ That was the only thing that crossed my mind while I was turning around to face him.

“I’m just making some coffee for Commander and myself to finally finish our work, sir.” I replied as politely as I was capable of although I felt like punching him for his rudeness. _The brat I was, huh._ I was so tired and angry that only violent thoughts and scenarios were running through my mind, like delayed trains trying to catch up the time they missed...

“Cut off that crap. I don’t care about your reasons, I just wanted to know why you are making so much noise, damn you!” he was passing by me in order to make a tea himself, probably.

“Isn’t my reasons and your wondering the same, sir?” I asked him mockingly, which angered him more. Levi clicked his tongue sharply. Still, that was worth it.

“Shut up! I’m so tired I don’t even know what I’m saying.” he confessed, he complained how tired he was; I was aware of that, who wasn't at this point.

“Well at least you’re not alone.” I murmured to myself in hushed voice, but he heard it anyway.

“I told you to shut up, brat. My head hurts and you are not making it any better.” he finally made his tea and leaned his figure over the wall. I was offended with his stupid attitude so I turned on my heel and walked away.

Passing him I added; “Good night then, Corporal. _Short stuff_.” despite the fact I was just a few centimetres higher than he was, I had to say that to release my anger and frustration, but the last word I spited out so silently, there was no chance that he could hear me. I was dead wrong. He caught me by my hand and sharply jerked me on himself; Levi managed to spill his hot tea on my shirt. I yelped in surprise. _What an idiot! What on earth was he thinking about?!_ To be precise, he spilled it on my breasts. It was so damn fiery that I screamed from pain and Levi's face changed its colour into a scary pale one.

“T-Take that shirt off, **now**!” he raised his voice in fearful tone and started to take it off by himself. He wasn't holding back at all. I immediately stopped him, slapping his hand away.

_Did he just stutter?_

“What are you doing?! Stop touching me!” I could bet my face turned bright red, my eyes were filled with flashes of anger and embarrassment.

“Do you want to have burns on your chest? If not, then stop this shit and take that fucking shirt off! That’s a command!” He looked sick worried, I could see his panicked face, but I was too shy. I have never seen him act this way before. _THE FUCK._

“If you don’t take it off, I will do it.” he said growled threateningly and wanted to touch me again, but I reacted faster.

“Okay, okay,” I took a deep breath. “I’ll do that myself! Please, turn around.” and he did so, with a sigh and rolling eyes, I quickly removed my jacket and shirt and stayed just in my bra. It was embarrassing, but the burnt area on my chest was hurting so badly. I wanted to kick him over and over again right back to hell.

“I have to treat your injuries anyway, so there is no point in covering yourself. I’m going to get the first aid and be back in minute.” He said and ran away. I waved over my chest with my hands; the cold wind was like a blessing from god. Then I remembered what my mom used to do when she burned her hand during cooking. I tore up a piece of cloth of my shirt, which was not spilled with tea on it and soak it with cold water.

I softly put it on my sensitive spots to ease the pain; I sighed with relief as the cold cloth touched my skin. As I was reducing my pain, Levi came back with first aid and stopped himself for a while just to stare at me. My eyes met his face, his eyes were scanning my and I clicked my tongue, catching his attention.

“Don’t look at me like that, you pervert!” I snapped at him, his cheeks turned slight pink ― I could swore they did, it looked very cute, but his next words killed all my impression of him.

“I wasn’t staring at you, idiot! There is nothing to see anyway!” Levi was walking towards me to treat my injuries but I was offended as hell. Once again. How could a man at his size be this grumpy? This tiny guy was harassing my marshmallows!

And so my and Erwin's coffee were forgotten.


	3. What are you doing to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own SNK characters.

“So rude! I don't need your help!” I growled. I wanted to walk away, however Levi managed to catch me by my wrist and pulled me close to him. Not hard enough to hurt me, but firm enough I knew he meant something by it. I wanted to ask if the wrist pulling was some kind of fetish of his, but I restrained myself.

“Shut up and sit down, brat.” Raising his voice in a loud command, he roared. I gulped and I felt like I had to obey him, this time. Of course, on the battlefield I would obey all the superiors but while we were behind the walls I could, most of the time, act as I wanted. He pulled some kind of white substance out of the first aid, which I assume was some kind of cream, it looked pretty weird. He leaned closer and placed his hand on my chest, I felt my cheeks burning. It was stinking really badly.

Levi moved his hand and started to massage my cleavage area with that stinky cream. It had that weird smell of herbs mixed with something rotten. I wondered if I will be growing out plants on my chest soon. At my surprise, it felt pleasant and it eased my pain, but it was still weird having someone else's hand on my chest, and not my own ones.

I closed my eyes to enjoy that slowly fading pain and I felt something unexpected ― I felt something dry and warm, soft like worn velvet on my lips. As I quickly opened my eyes, I found out that it was him kissing me, silly me, who else would it be. His hand was still moving up and down in slow motions on my cleavage. This was wrong. I was shocked, but I couldn't resist, his scent hit my nose like a comforting cup of steaming black tea. Involuntarily my head fell forward and a soft moan somehow snuck out from between my lips just as I felt his lips pressing harder on mine.

It was too enjoyable for me to stop him, I even moaned to his mouth. Warm. He made me feel so warm. His hand slowly moved up my chest on my neck, his fingers on the back of my neck pulling me forward.

The tip of his wet tongue tickled my lips open. My chest felt warm and I parted my lips, moving my tongue to the opening of my mouth, meeting his tongue. _What the hell was wrong with me?_ Something wasn't right about this. At that moment, I felt one of his hands caress the side of my breast and it hit me. I moved aback, parting our lips and look at him then at his hand.

“You should be okay now.” He said in a firm voice as he pulled back, closing the cream and Levi put it back into the first aid kit _._

“T-thanks, sir. I guess...” I was still looking at him, my heart was pounding in chest. I hoped he wouldn't hear it. During that kiss I thought my heart wasn't beating, it was really unexpected. I wanted to leave, but he caught me again.

“I'm sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.” He whispered as if it was some kind of crime to express himself in a loud voice.

I tried to pretend I didn't hear it; I wanted him to say it out louder. I really enjoyed teasing people, that poor man.

“What did you say, sir?” I asked with a teasing voice, cocking up an eyebrow suggestively, his face turned bright pink again and he avoided the answer by his natural rudeness.

“You heard me, idiot!” He spat. “And now come with me, you need to change your clothes, you can't go like this.” He made a gesture with his hand, his voice firm. Levi gave me his jacket, which couldn't cover me completely because of the size of my breasts, and the size of his clothes was smaller, at least he tried. He caught me by my elbow and dragged me away.

“Sir, I can change into my own clothes in my room.” I said, but he shook his head in disagreement, causing the long mane of black hair to shift about his face.

“No, my room is closer, so there's a lower chance for someone to see you like this. Stop arguing with me, you are flapping too much with that mouth of yours, it was just a kiss. I'm your superior, damn it!” He raised his voice once again.

“With that loud voice of yours you won’t bring attention to us, no.” I mumbled under my nose. What was his problem? And why is he mentioning that kiss, I didn't said anything. Does he enjoy yelling at people around or what...? We finally arrived to his room. He pushed me in and closed the door behind himself.

The room was small, but cozy, and very clean. The whole room smelt of soap and starch. Inside there were stands a regular sized bed with a small side table with a candle holder containing a short candle next to the bed. There was a book lying on the table, but I couldn't read the title, it was too dark for me to see that tiny title. He had time for reading?

His eyes scanned my body, once again. I shrugged, it felt weird. Then he walked towards his wardrobe and searched for a shirt which would fit me. After a while, he finally found an old grey shirt and threw it at me. I clicked my tongue in annoyance, would it be that hard to just give it into my hands? I took off his jacket and threw it on the floor, I pulled the shirt over my head, it was a bit tight but well, better than nothing. Levi cursed at me and took his jacket off the floor. I felt embarrassed, I could smell his sent off the shirt and it was filling my nostrils.

“Thank you again, sir, for your help and treatment.” I forced out a yawn.

“Sorry for the trouble, good night.” Slightly flustered I quickly turned away from him, placing my head on the handle, his voice stopped me. For the first time, he called my name, and I heard it. My hand slowly slid down off the handle. His voice sounded so soothing, almost alluring. He waited until I turned around, or said something. I couldn't comprehend what it meant.

“Yes?” I turned around just to be kissed again. I really disliked surprises; you never knew what was waiting for you.

“Don't get involved with Erwin. This is my personal command for you. Good night.” He said, his voice was back to normal, but there was a slight sign of softness. I felt my heart pounding in my chest again, what was this man doing to me. Please stop, I don't know how to respond.

My legs slowly started to make steps back, and then I turned around, opened the door and walked away. My head was about to explode, I walked back to Erwin's office; I knocked and opened the door. When I closed the door behind me and was about to apologize I saw Erwin lying on the pile of papers, already sleeping. He was sound asleep, snoring softly.

His face looked peaceful, at rest, and (not my imagination), almost smiling. His shoulders were relaxed, and his breathing was even and steady. I looked a bit closer; he managed to finish all the work, what a man! I felt so sorry for him, while I was having a literally hot problem down in the kitchen he was working, and he also finished my papers as well. I did not have the heart to wake him up, so I grabbed some blanket which lied on his sofa and covered him, that's the least I could do.

In silence I left his office and headed back to my room. As I was walking, I remembered all the things that happened today. My head began to hurt due to all of these thoughts seeping in and rushing through. I touched the spot where it hurt and massaged it for a while.

“What a day...” I said with a sigh as I entered my room.


	4. What should I do?

As I assumed, I couldn’t sleep all night. My head was crowded with words Levi said to me yesterday. I also couldn’t sleep because of the pain on my chest ― it wasn’t burning, but it hurt so much I had to take some painkillers. I got up from the bed even before sunrise just to take care of my injury, which was less red thanks to that weird cream.

Levi... What was that all about? I had no idea why he had kissed me and what he meant by “don’t get involved with Erwin” thing. Why are men so weird and complicated?

Most probably the tea effect left his body so he was speaking nonsense, yes, that was it. Definitely.

I deeply sighed and took an icy shower to ease my pain and finally woke up properly. I had plenty of time before breakfast, so after having a shower I dressed into clean clothes and went to the laundry room to get Corporal’s T-shirt and my other laundry cleaned.

I was blankly staring at his T-shirt and could smell his scent from it. What a nice smell, it was a typical man’s fragrance like musk mixed with leather and tea. No, I can’t think about him! I’ve been doing that all night; I need some time for myself! I quickly put the clothes into the water and added some laundry detergents.

As soon as I finished with the laundry, I left just to kill some more time I had before breakfast. I decided to get some training to be fully awake, so I took off my jacket and started to run across the whole training field. I was running and focusing on that and nothing else, because I didn’t want to think about two men, who were constantly invading my mind.

I was running as fast as I could, sweat dripping down my face, and when I felt like I was going to fall, I stopped, catching my breath. Slowly I returned to the laundry room for the clothes just to put them on the clothesline.

Meanwhile, I went to take another shower and changed my clothes again; finally I looked like a decent person again. I was doing everything automatically like some kind of doll, because I’ve been deciding what to do from now on. At the end, I made up my mind and decided to avoid both of them as much as it was possible.

As I was going back to the laundry room to get back my dry clothes I was thinking about how to avoid them ― it was a really difficult task considering the fact, that they both were my superiors and I was working for them and receiving orders from them. Also I was working under Erwin, _shit_. As soon as I ironed my clothes, and Levi's, I decided to go to Corporal’s room to give him his T-shirt back to him and hoped that yesterday’s incident would be forgotten.

I was walking the hall towards his room with every step getting heavier. I was playing with my lower lip between my lips. I was trying to take a deep breath, but my heart was making it worse ― it was pounding like it was going to jump out of my chest. In front of his room, I was encouraging myself and repeating words I will say to him over and over again. I believe I looked childish. When I was at least half decided, I wanted to knock, when the door to his room quickly opened. I almost knocked on his head, I cleared my throat. Levi was standing before me; his eyes looked bored, narrowed and were staring at me for a while. I was astonished as he was, but he was the first one who collected himself.

“What are you doing here, brat? You are supposed to be having your breakfast.” He said slightly amused with one corner of his mouth up. Was it really necessary to call me a brat in the morning? And what was so funny…?

“I-I... I brought you your T-shirt back. I washed it, dried it and ironed it, so it should be _well-cleaned._ Thank you very much!” I poked it into his hands and quickly left, leaving puzzled Levi behind. As I was finally leaving superiors’ floor, very familiar husky voice made me stop.

“What are you doing here?” Erwin asked in a tone of voice no one could protest against. I turned around quickly.

“I-I was... Corporal Levi asked me to do something.” I said, cleaning my throat. He was coming towards me closing the distance between us which made my lie even more obvious and I was getting more and more nervous. His tall figure was towering me and for the first time I felt like a caged animal. The gaze of his forget-me-not-petals-eyes was piercing my soul, my legs became shaky and every spot on my body was getting hot. Damn you and your killing stare!

As I was thinking about him, I haven’t noticed that his face and body were just inches of me.

“You are red. Are you feeling sick? Is this the reason why you didn’t show up yesterday?” His voice sounded worried and serious with a slight mockery hidden behind his words while he was putting his large hand on my forehead, just to check on my temperature. This simple touch almost caused my ankles to break. I barely held myself.

“No, I’m fine.” I caught his hand into mine and pulled it off my forehead. “The reason why I didn’t show up yesterday was that I was so tired from all work I spilled both cups of coffee on myself as I slipped, so I had to clean it up.”

“You―”

“After that, I hurried to your office to apologize, but your work has been already done and you were sleeping, so I just left. I’m very sorry, goodbye sir!” I spit out everything I wanted, quickly bowed and literally ran away. The badass I was.

I walked to our canteen for breakfast and tried not to think about these embarrassing things which happened this morning. My plan of avoiding them came to grief. On top of that, I was lying to my own Commander. I'm going to hell. There was no way I could tell him about incident with Levi. This was too complicated and demanding of my feelings. Poor me.

I grabbed some light food and some warm tea to calm my nerves a little and took a seat beside Mikasa and Eren, who I spent most of my free time with.

Armin has been with us all the time too, but to be honest, he was getting on my nerves. He was such a cry-baby and totally incapable that I was surprised no one has kicked him out yet. Or titans haven’t eaten him so far. Today was luckily different ― he was lying in infirmary for a week because he broke few fingers on his left foot thanks to his fecklessness by falling on stairs.

How lame.


	5. Men, men, men.

I walked into our canteen for breakfast and tried, really hard, not to think about those embarrassing things that happened this morning. My plan of avoiding them came to grief. On top of that, I was lying to my own Commander, well that did not happen for the first time but, this time I felt guilty. There was no way I could tell him about the incident with Levi. However, I had a strange feeling about that.

This was too complicated and demanding of my feelings. Poor me! I grabbed some light food and warm tea to calm my nerves a little bit, took a seat beside Mikasa and Eren, who I spent most of my free time with.

Armin has been with us all the time too, but to be honest, he was getting on my nerves sometimes. He wasn’t stupid, no, that was not the case, but he was such a cry-baby that sometimes I wondered how is he still alive. Heavens heard my prayers and today Armin was absent – he was lying in the infirmary for a week because he broke his fingers on his left foot. He managed to fall off the stairs, how lame. When I heard the new from Jean I laughed with him.

“Good morning!” Eren said and gave me a warm smile, then he continued eating his bread, I smiled back in return.

“Good morning Eren, Mikasa.” Mikasa murmured her “Good morning” and we started eating. Mikasa wasn’t really fond of me since Eren was quite a good kid towards me and she was quite a lot clingy on him. I did not mind it; after all she was protecting him from everything. She was beautiful, strong and cool, but I’d say that this was her biggest weakness.

I’m already used to her attitude by now, and I was chatting with Eren naturally without noticing her glares and cold attitude. Sometimes I wanted to challenge her and see who would win.

She was a bit a funny in her own way. I always admired her how coldly she could dodge Jean’s attempts. During one on one fight practices, she was mostly paired with guys. And once with me, until now I have no idea how I managed to pin her to the ground. After that, I gained some respect from the other comrades; that felt good.

Very quickly Jean, Sasha (her tray full of food just enough for 5 people), Connie and Petra joined our table which brought more noise than it required. As usual, boys were arguing about something childish and girls were chatting about girlish stuffs, when suddenly Sasha poked me in the ribs and smiled teasingly with full mouth of hers. I let out a hiss as I looked at her, cocking my eyebrow.

“Look! Corporal is looking at you.” Mikasa and Petra looked in the direction of superiors’ table, but I denied it immediately without even looking. _What nonsense!_

“No, he is not. You have visions. You should eat more, here.” I took my bread and forcefully put it into her mouth when Mikasa spoke her mind.

“Eh... Even the Commander is staring at you.” She said mockingly and fixed her eyes back on Eren, who was arguing with Jean. Jean looked at Mikasa and was acting tough, ending pointless argument which made Eren even angrier. I clicked my tongue. _Mikasa, not you too, what am I supposed to pull into your mouth? Knives?_

“Why are they both staring at you?” Petra’s voice cut off my staring at this trio. _Damn Petra, why did you have to start with that again? Today is that day, when I go berserk and kill my comrades or what._ I was hoping that my no-response would end this embarrassing thing, but her voice forced me to look at them. My gaze alarmed them both and made to look at me even more intensely. Erwin's eyes under his heavy eyebrows were big, bright and piercing. Levi's silver eyes were piercing through me like darts.

“They are not staring at me! They are staring and thinking how _ridiculous_ our table is and how to _punish_ us all! Do not make some assumptions and fantasies on your own!” I yelled at them totally forgetting about the place where we were. I could feel the whole room staring at me, _great_. For a moment I prayed for me to be able to sink through the floor and never come back. Everyone’s eyes were on me what was even more awkward, so I stood up and walked away, leaving my plate with food on the table. I simply needed some fresh air and loneliness to calm myself nerves down.

 _What is wrong with me? I’m a rational person, always first thinking and then acting, not the other way round. How it came I’ve ended up like this, that just one simple stare of two men made me so furious? There is no space for these feelings_ – _shit._ As I was mentally cursed on myself, someone caught me up and grabbed me by my hand.

“Hey you. Are you okay?” It was Mike, sniffing around me like a dog. To be honest, I’ve never liked that about him, but I got used to it because he was the most rational and kind person amongst everyone here. I forced a smile and I slipped my wrist out of his hand.

“Oh, Squad Leader Mike! It is nothing, I’m okay. I was just tired from work and you know sleepless nights, so I needed to let my frustration go. I’m sorry; I’ll apologize to Corporal, Commander and others properly, later.” I was about to leave, but he stopped me again with something, I wouldn’t guess even in a dream he would say.

“Erwin and Levi truly care about you in their own way, but you know you can’t have them both right? You have to choose which one you want to support with all your heart.” His voice sounded serious as well as his expression. Was he a psychic now? I turned my back at him, not to show my face because I wasn’t sure about myself anymore.

“I will not choose anybody. I have no right for that and you know better than anyone that there is no space for any kind of “support” as you nobly said. Thank you for your worries, Squad Leader, but that’s not necessary. Now if you’ll excuse me.” I said in a cold voice and with that I left him. I was heading to the training field again to train that silly heart out of me...

After few days of working with Hanji, to whom I forced myself to, I was successful to avoid both men, for how long I did not dare to say. I haven’t seen Erwin for days, he is always locked in his office anyway so the chance to meet him was low, but you never know. As for Levi, he was usually outside or cleaning the rooms with other cadets, I would most probably end up running into him somewhere. I was really a coward.

After a little chat with Hanji I offered her my help, and she gladly accepted. She had the same amount of papers on her desk just like Erwin had, just a little bit less. I always wondered how on earth they were able to fill all those papers; my hand would fall off in less than an hour. They could really shake their hands, workaholics. As I was going back to her office and slowly opening the door with a pile of papers in my hands, I spotted something I’ve hoped I could avoid forever. Silly me.

Levi was standing there, glaring at Hanji and arguing with her, as always. As soon as he spotted me, he quickly walked towards me and grabbed me forcefully, my tiny pyramid of papers dropped down on the ground. I pouted as I saw my pyramid, which I built myself, fly around the whole room.

“Corporal!” I raised my voice to be heard over the noise he and Hanji were creating. Both of them ignored me so I yelled again.

“Shorty!” Hanji and I yelled at him at the same time, in synch, but he shut us up just with his gaze. If only a gaze could kill...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for no Erwin, starting the next chapter he will appear more.


	6. I'm no Toy!

“I won’t ask you again, Shitty-glasses. From now on, she will be working with me, so don’t you even try to sneak her out, otherwise it will have consequences.” He said in a threatening voice.

“You, come.” Levi grabbed my arm and started dragging me somewhere.

“Sir, I can’t leave Squad Leader Hanji now! I still have plenty of work to do.” I was trying to shake him off, but as tiny as he was, he was unearthly strong and I couldn’t get rid of him. _Damn you, shrimp!_

“Shut up and follow my lead.” Was all he said, still angry, he dragged me into the supply room. As we walked in, I immediately spotted the detergents and buckets with cleaning mops. _Shit, no way!_

“Sir, you can’t be serious about this. We can’t clean the whole castle again!” Whining, I was begging him with my eyes, but it was pointless. I could still recall the first time we cleaned the whole stupid castle, every corner, every freaking inch of this place. My whole body was in pain for two days, I would rather run on the field than do this shit again. He looked at me with a sharp look, I gulped in response. Yup, he made up his mind.

“You’re going to clean up the whole castle, brat. This is your punishment.” He turned his back on me and picked up the mop. I could feel a single drop of sweat roll down my nape as my whole life appeared in front of my eyes. Is this how am I going to die?

“Punishment? But sir, I didn’t do anything!” Was he nuts? I cocked an eyebrow and picked one mop as well.

“Huh? Do you have such a short memory, idiot?” He said in his usual rude voice. My blood began to boil in my veins again; he dared to call me an idiot?! What for?!

“If you can’t remember, I’ll make you. Get some useful things for cleaning and follow me. Can that thick skull of yours proceed what I said?” The tone of his voice made me angry. He grabbed few cleaning supplies, moved them on the chair and grabbed a cloth. He put that cloth face mask over his mouth and nose. I threw the mop on the floor and growled.

“No, I refuse! You can’t do what you want!” I hissed angrily and didn’t grab anything. He was right in front of me in the blink of an eye, so close to me that as I wanted to create some space between us, I bumped into the wall; I had no chance to run.

“Fuck off, I did nothing!” Another thing I disliked was being trapped.

“Let’s make things clear, shitty brat. I’m your superior, so I can _do_ whatever I want with you. So come with me, if you don’t want worse punishment.” He pulled his cleaning stuff into my hands and we were going to clean. I clicked my tongue, displeased. If I would meet him before joining the Survey Corpse, somewhere on the street, I sure as hell would hit him and challenge him. I disliked being on a string like a doll. _How annoying..._

After few hours of cleaning, we ended up in the last room. Such torture! I was sweaty and tired, even my back hurt as hell. I was wiping the dust and he was cleaning the windows, both of us in silence. I spotted a thick ply of dust on the simple chandelier, so I brought a chair and stood up on it; trying to wipe the dirt away.

However, somehow I lost my balance; a shriek escaped my lips as I was falling. I was prepared for the pain, but instead came something different, I fell on something soft.

When I collected myself, I was staring at Levi’s face, into his eyes to be clear.

“Are you that careless?” I shook my head, blinking few times. Wait, he caught me?

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m very sorry.” I apologized and was about to stand up, but he caught me by my waist. What a change.

“Is it really that disgusting to touch me?” He asked, his voice sounded unusual, as if hurt? His silver-like-steel-eyes showed pain and sorrow, I was taken aback; I was not sure what to do. Our eyes were locked. Why would he say something like that? He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. This was not like him.

“W-what? I didn’t say anything like that.” I wanted to say in sharper voice, but his eyes didn’t let me. He looked so vulnerable like this...

“But you think that, brat. Or am I wrong?” Levi said bitterly with painful smile on his lips. Calling me a brat again, I clicked my tongue in annoyance.

“How can you say that? You and your touch are not disgusting at all. I just didn’t want to choke you to death with my weight.” I answered honestly, managing to raise my voice; without blinking and staring into his eyes.

“Sure, you are annoying as hell and a clean-freak but I wouldn’t say such a thing.” Just after my speech I realized what I’ve said and my cheeks started to burn and changed their colour into bright red.

“Then prove it, idiot.” Levi whispered, tightening his grip on my waist. His head was between my hands as I was supporting myself. He forced me to lower my body onto his more as well as my face; our noses almost touched at the sudden move.

“Prove it?” A puzzled expression decorated my face. He rolled his eyes as I cocked my eyebrow.

“If you’ll now stay still without any movement, I’ll believe you.” He leaned up closer; I felt his breath on my lips.

“Wha-...” I couldn’t finish my questions; I felt something warm against my lips. His lips tasted after black tea, desperate and full of need I could read properly. I was surprised and confused, what am I supposed to do with this man? I tried to move aback, our lips parted for a moment, but he moved his head closed and caught my lips again. His hands were on my back, slowly moving up and down as he was trying to deepen the kiss.

As I was about to give in and close my eyes, we could hear the door abruptly open and someone’s hand was tearing me off of Levi.

“This is how you clean with one of the soldiers, Levi?” Erwin’s cold voice filled with nothing but anger separated us in a second. He was holding both of my wrists in his large hand; it became more and more painful with each squeeze.

At a moment like this I felt sorry for any guy who was hit by him, damn that must have hurt a lot. I wanted to protest, but I was too scared I couldn’t find my own voice. As I was trying to say something, Levi got up and glared at Erwin with his metal eyes, their gaze was more than terrifying.

“Give her back, Erwin. You’re in my way.” Levi grabbed one of my wrists and rapidly pulled me towards him. What is happening right now? I felt like a toy, which was being the most interesting thing for two children and none of them wanted to give up on it. It was slightly getting on my nerve.

“Are you trying to disobey me, Corporal?” Erwin asked, his voice filled with rage, bitterness, pain. I gulped hard, even I was now scared of Erwin, this was something new. A new side of him I did not know. On the top of that, he addressed Levi as “Corporal” not by his name as always. He had to be terribly outraged when he did something like this. Levi, however, hasn’t even blinked and held me firmly as if I was his property.

“Cut that crap about our ranks, Erwin. Get out of this room and stop acting so tough, when you don’t know how to do so.” My eyes widened, I was shocked by Levi’s speech and looked at Erwin’s face, when he suddenly violently tore me off of Levi again, and he hid me behind his back and punched Levi into his face. It happened so brisk. A shiver ran down my spine, what should I do? I repeated that question thousand times in my head.

“Do not tempt me like this again. The level of my patience is very high, yet very low. Also, thank you for your advice, but you should keep it to yourself. I’m quite accustomed to be “tough”, so if you will excuse us...”

He said emotionlessly. Erwin was about to take me away, but Levi without any problems got up and grabbed my other wrist; he muttered something under his breath but I couldn’t hear it. This situation was infuriating me to no end.

I took a deep breath.

“STOP!” I yelled at both of them and slipped out of their grips. For heaven’s sake the hell is wrong with them! They immediately paid attention to me, giving up on their fight.

“Are you both nuts? For fucks sake, stop acting like two little children fighting about some super shinny toy. Jesus Christ, you are both grown men and superiors, so act like ones! Just to be clear, I’m not anyone’s property, so none of you have the right to make decisions for me! I am a free grown woman and I can make my own decision, damn it!” I sighed in frustration. Both of them looked at me, their eyes widened in shock. It was all written in their faces. But I haven’t ended with my speech yet.

“You...” I pointed at Erwin, who just narrowed his eyebrows in fearful grimace. “Before you come somewhere, learn to knock and don’t just barge in! Where are your manners?! Also stop claiming me against my will and stop punching someone out of jealousy, Commander Eyebrow!” The cup of my calmness was spilled and now I was shooting darts. I scolded Erwin like a master would scold his dog.

“And you...” I turned my face towards Levi, who had an ugly injury on his left cheek. “Stop being so disrespectful towards your superiors and also stop being so rude to me, too! When you want to give orders, stop calling me a brat or an idiot. Damn it, I am not a fool and I’m taller than you, Shrimp Corporal!” I didn’t care that I was disrespectful myself and insulted them both, because they deserved it. I inhaled deeply and glanced at both of them. I wasn’t their toy or some rag that they could do whatever they pleased with me. Still furious, I walked away from them towards the doors and turned my face to them one last time.

“Think about what you have done and behave properly according to your ranks, brats. That’s an order!” I almost yelled the words, and turned on my heel, walking towards my room as fast as I could.

The moment I reached my room I collapsed on my bed. Only then I realised what I‘ve said. I placed both hands on my face, drew a haggard breath, and then swiped my hands across my face. I cursed under my breath; I will go straight to hell. How am I supposed to face them now? What was I even thinking? Feeling exhausted all of a sudden I decided to take a hot shower and clear my mind.

Shit, this was a really long day…


	7. Commander

That night, I was fully awake thinking about my feelings towards the Corporal and Commander at the same time. I wondered how they managed to affect my feelings and create a huge mess in my head. I was confused, trying to comprehend their point of view and wanted to know how they feel.

_Do they love me? Do they just like me? Are they desperate because we all know we could die in a second and they didn’t want to leave unloved? Why me exactly? Why is Levi so straightforward and rude? Why is Erwin so cold and demanding? Which one I truly like and which one I just care about?_

These questions stayed unanswered and I felt pain in my chest from confusion and other feelings I didn’t know I had. Why are people so confusing.

This was something new, I wasn’t sure if I was ready and if I wanted all of this. Maybe... A slight romance wouldn’t hurt, would it?

In the morning, I decided to avoid them until I would be prepared enough to face my own feelings and be sure about them, not regretting my choice. I was scared they would punish me for my scolding but to my surprise, they changed a little. Or how should I put this. First of all, they have never spoken about my scolding or given me any punishment for my inappropriate behaviour. This was quite surprising since I was always the troublemaker one. They were calling me by my name, were polite which felt weird, but what worried me was their behaviour towards each other – they were awfully cold and strangely respectful, when we were in HQ.

When we were outside behind the walls killing titans, they acted almost normally as before, which was great because it did not affect our missions; but when one of them spotted me, they were back to their strange attitudes. I didn’t know what to think about them anymore, so I decided to give myself and them some time to be our usual selves... I really hope this will help.

 

* * *

 

Some months passed from that incident. Walking into the Survey Corps building I took a deep breath, I have been helping Erwin as an assistant but also helping Corporal Levi and Squad Leader Hanji. They seem to be back to normal. Day after day. I was relieved when Levi or Erwin borrowed me for some paper work. However, I must say I still hated helping these two, because Erwin is just about paperwork and doesn’t want me to go on real expedition anymore, which was getting on my nerves because he tried to shorten my freedom, and Levi was a clean-freak, so everything I did with Levi is cleaning the whole damn castle.

After the cleaning the whole thing, which felt like a ritual now, I always felt as if my life would be shortened in years. On the other side, working with Hanji was the best option from all of them, although she was a bit of a freak woman, but still funny as hell.

Today I was supposed to spend my whole day at Hanji’s office, because I was too tired of working with Levi or Erwin and I purposely avoided them. Or at least I tried. That counts too, right? I was walking to her office with bunch of papers in my hands which were threatening to fall any second. Suddenly someone stopped me and caught that pile of papers for me.

“Thank you very much, you saved my li...” as I started thanking the unknown person, I noticed light sunny hair, of course I ran into the Commander himself who was currently staring at me, kind of worried? I would say. Or it might be just my imagination.

“Isn’t it too much for you to handle?” he asked, formal as always and took most of the papers to carry them in just one hand.

“No, it is not and I don’t need any help. Thank you for asking, though.” I stated coldly, but to be honest, I felt relieved when he took some of those papers and helped me with them. I wasn’t in a good mood that day, that’s why I had such a cold attitude. He chose to ignore my response, Erwin moved forward and I involuntarily followed him with a sigh leaving my mouth. We walked in silence during the whole way, it was somehow embarrassing but I couldn’t start any conversation with him, so I just observed him from behind. This later on appeared to be a good idea.

Under the surface of his brownish uniform, he was hiding a perfect male body. The uniform emphasized his shoulders were square, I couldn't see his chest but I know it's broad. My eyes moved lower, he had slim hips and corded thighs. With each movement, his jacket stretched to accommodate the ripple of his shoulder muscles. I had to slow down my pace and keep more distance between us. But my “keeping distance” didn’t last too long. I saw the muscles in his forearms tighten as he held the papers more firm. When I was closing it, I could smell his stunning scent, which was mixture of fresh grass, papers and... wait, a cologne?

I slightly closed my eyes and tried to capture that scent again.

His cologne reminded me of the forest, deep in the darkest places where he was hiding. Erwin kept his blonde hair short with an undercut. With my eyes closed I imagined being pressed up against his perfect chest, while soft music lulled my senses and lowered my resistance even further. I wondered exactly what was underneath that uniform. Wait, no! No, no, no! My eyes flew open, I felt slight burning on my cheeks and as if it wouldn't be enough my heart was having its own party.

Without thinking I stepped with one foot on my other one with enough force to make me feel pain. I squealed which caught Erwin's attention as his head slightly moved and with one eye he looked at me. I looked at him, panic ran over me as I grinned, quicken up my pace and passed by him. He cocked an eyebrow and I could hear the sound of his boots behind me. Damn it, I haven’t decided about my feeling completely yet, I let myself fantasize about him a lot. His body was like a torture to me, because I couldn’t touch him the way I wanted to... Why is so tempting..?

We were almost in front of Hanji’s office, when he passed by me and stopped me.

“Stay outside.” he told me nonchalantly as if he would be talking to some damn dog.

“I’m not a dog, sir. Treat me more respectfully and also I have some work with Squad Leader Hanji. Now if you’ll _excuse me_.” I passed by him slightly hitting his shoulder and opened the door, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me behind his back, at moments I thought I will have to pick those damned papers off the floor. Before I could say something, he spoke to Hanji.

“Here are your papers Hanji, I’m taking her with me for the rest of the day.” he put the papers he was holding in his hand on the desk and then took mine and did the same thing.

“But Erwin, I...” she started to protests, but Erwin only nodded his head and as he was closing the door he said, “Have a nice day.” With that he closed the door and looked at me, I gulped hard. He placed his hand on my back and slightly pushed me forward so that I wouldn’t walk behind him.

His hand never left my back as we walked in silence and my mind was running wild again.

Great, just great.


	8. Erwin

He placed his hand on my back and slightly pushed me forward so that I wouldn’t walk behind him. His hand never left my back as we walked in silence and my mind was running wild again. Great, just great. What will happen now?

“Sir,” I stopped, a felt a slight push forward but I stayed still without any sight of movement. An annoyed sigh left his lips as he made a pressure on his hand and pushed me again, I had to move forward with one of my leg to keep my balance. As I was turning around I slapped his hand off my back and with narrowed eyes I shot an unpleasant glare towards his figure.

“I haven’t finished my work with Squad Leader Hanji, if you would be that _kind_ let me go back to work. I have no time for childish games.” My voice sounded like venom, he furrowed his eyebrows in discomfort and crossed his hands on his chest.

“If I recall it correctly I am your Commander, and _I am_ the one giving _orders_. It’s not the way around. ” A shiver ran down my spine at the note in his voice. Great, now he is showing me where I belong? Is this where we are heading? Fine.

“Excuse me, Commander, for my rudeness, but if I recall it correctly, I had no business to attend with you and I was under Hanji for the past week without you butting into it. Before that I was under Corporal and again, you did not butt into it. I would appreciate it wholeheartedly if you would be that kind and let me work.” I sighed, feeling a headache was approaching. Looking up I met his eyes, his blue orbs were narrowed and a bit of the devil dare I say, even as his voice, husky and deep, said,

“For a common soldier you have the nerve to speak in that tone and with such words.” I was about to say something as he approach me, his tall figure was completely towering me. I felt like a small deer lost in the big forest. He grabbed me by my collar and pulled closer to him, I had to tiptoe as he lifted me to meet his eyes. I didn't blink, I couldn't allow him to see even a slight hesitation in me, I kept staring into his eyes.

“Be very careful of the way you are speaking towards me,” I could feel his warm breath on my face, I had to move my head aback and arch my back to dodge him. _Damn him!_

“I will not allow that mouth of yours to speak foolishly towards me.” The beating of my heart sped up, a drop of sweat ran down my forehead as I nodded, not saying a word. I was worried if I would open my mouth my voice would break and I would stutter. Staying in silence was the best option for now. 

“Very well.” He released my collar and I fell on my feet again, I had to catch up my breath and with what just happened. Was that really him? He turned his back on me, as I looked up I saw his back. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to steady my heart. He turned his head and eyes me with one of his blue orbs. I took a step forward and cocked an eyebrow, signalizing why he stopped. Erwin turned his head and walked, there were only two things I heard.

The sound of his boots hitting the floor and my heart whom I begged to calm down. The air felt suddenly heavy and I slowly followed him until we reached his office. Erwin walked inside as I followed him in silence, closing the door behind me. I wondered what will happen now, various scenarios ran through my mind. I did not expect him to act like this, I have never seen him act like this before, not even on the field. I gulped hard as I walked towards his desk, where he was already seated.

Erwin took out some papers and threw them towards me. I blinked twice, _unbelievable_ , I took a step forward and took the paper from the floor. My eyes scanned the paper and stopped on the word _release from a duty_ I nearly choked on my saliva as I was about to gulp.

“Sign it.” He handed me a pen, his voice steady, his face unreadable. What exactly was his problem? I looked up at him, clearly confused. I was not aware of the fact that I did something wrong nor have I killed anyone. Except the titans, of course, that did not count.

“Why?” I took the pen, still looking at him and the paper.

“Haven’t you heard me?” He rose from the chair, I was about to take a step back, but I didn't. I waited. 

“Sign it. I will not repeat myself.” Turning his figure, he walked towards the window, my eyes never leaving him. My heart started to beat rapidly again, I am really being thrown out of the Survey Corps? Seriously? He went through that hard shit just to get me here and now he is throwing me out? Just like that? Hell no. I placed the pen on his table and ripped the paper in two pieces placing it next to the pen. Erwin’s head turned at that sound and I turned on my heel and walked towards the door.

I placed my hand on the knob and held it for a while; I felt a burning stare on my back. I clicked my tongue in annoyance.

“You know what?” I released the knob and turned around, facing him.

“No, I am not going to sign your stupid paper. Why should I? Only because you told me to do so?” I made few steps closer, not willing to back off that easily.

“I did not go through that hell outside only to be thrown out of here. Forget it!” I spat back at him, anger rising in my voice. I had to stay calm though; a clear head was the only way to get him to talk. He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth, showing his teeth a bit at the same time. His eyes were faintly bloodshot. I watched him carefully, unsure what to think about him anymore, he began to slowly walk towards me.

I took a step back and my hand hit the chair which I grabbed for support. I watched him carefully, unsure what to think about him anymore, he began to slowly walk towards me, I took a step back. Why is he like this? What broke him to behave like this? For the past few months he was behaving very well; as if nothing happened and now this? The footsteps stopped, I was looking on his chest now. I had to tilt my head up. He was standing in front of me again, his eyes fixed on me.

“Erwin, I—” I said politely yet firmly. He leaned his forehead to mine and whispered,

“Silly woman.” A sigh leaving his lips. Now I was totally confused, and shocked. My heart pounding. I could feel his breath on my face, the scent of him filling my senses, a shiver ran down my spine. I recalled the moment when I was walking behind him, watching him from behind, scanning his body. Seeing him this close I was tempted. He placed his hand on the crook of my neck and looked at me. I had to bite my tongue to remain calm. 

“Leave. Why won’t you?” He broke the silence after a while. His thumb skimmed my jaw, my eyes followed his movement and then I looked back at him. I opened my mouth in protest just to be cut off.

“I cannot protect you outside.” I was taken aback yet once again, this was that chaos all about?

“Listen, I—” He pressed his lips on mine, I froze for a moment. Coming back to my senses I moved back, wasn’t expecting that. Why are they kissing me without my permission?

“I can protect myself.”

There was silence between us for a moment. Erwin removed his hand and collected himself, he walked towards the desk and sat down behind it. Taking the pen and putting it on his table, just like throwing the ripped papers into the garbage can.

“Get ready, in two days we are leaving at 7 in the morning.” He said, his voice was just like back then when they first met. Cold and firm. I nodded and left his office without a word.


	9. Sasha the Glutton

The sun was shining into the easterly window, the reflected glow of candle flame, stinging my fair skin with its intensity, dazzling my eyes. I cracked an eye open, realizing it was still early for me to wake up I tried to pull the sheet over my head and doze off again. My mind was filled with Erwin’s behaviour; I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep, nothing. I growled as I sat up, running my hand through my hair, messing it up. I crawled out of the bed, walked into the bathroom and splashed my face with some cold water, hoping it would help. I leaned myself against the sink as I stared at the mirror, water drops falling down my face.

“Stupid man.” I groaned in frustration as I walked out of the bathroom.

“Stupid old man!” I grabbed a book that was lying on the desk and threw it on the other side of the room. The book landed on the floor with a loud thud, I could care less if anyone woke up.

I took off my pyjama and dressed into my uniform. Walking out of my room I made my way towards the training field, I tied up my hair and started running, this was the only solution now that would always help me ease my nerves and clear my thoughts. I spat a curse or two in the air as I was running around, if anyone would saw me they would most probably call me a lunatic and leave with a laughter. In this state, I would most probably attack them like a hungry wolf, though. My breathing became heavier and my sweat was running down my temple and cheeks. I gave in to my fantasies, letting my mind go where it wanted while I swam lap after lap. I dropped on the ground on my back and stared at the sky, the sun was slowly rising as it painted the sky and clouds with various colours. From pink to orange to slight purple and vice versa. I cleaned my forehead with the sleeve of my shirt and sit up; my breathing slowly went back to normal just like my heart.

Slowly standing up, I cleaned my trousers and made my way back, before going to my room I walked into the kitchen — that, for now, was dead silent — and filled a cup with water. I drank the last drop of my water and sighed with relief.

“Finally something refreshing.” I giggled to myself as I cleaned the cup and placed it to its original place. I made my way towards my room, I needed a shower so badly, and I smelled like a man.

As I was opening my room, I heard the door behind me open, for a moment I froze, but then I realised there was no harm. I looked around and spotted Sasha standing in front of me, her eyes closed and when I looked close I could tell she was drooling. With a sigh I placed on her shoulders, bad move, she automatically locked her jaw on my arm and I yelled in pain. _Damn this stupid hungry woman now she was even carnivorous for some human flesh!_ I cursed her glutton stomach as I tried to get rid of her teeth, Sasha squeezed her jaw harder and damn I could see blood running down my arm. If I would hit her she would most probably wake up and I wouldn’t get rid of her, however if I won’t get rid of her in a minute or two my arm will have a hole. I clenched my teeth hard as I forcefully withdrew my arm from her jaw; damn she was like a freaking shark. When Sasha licked her lips my stomach twisted in disgust, I put my foot on her back and softly kicked her back into her room, locking the door behind her. _Damn someone should write a warning note on her door. Do not try to release the beast._ At that thought I laughed to myself as again, I had to make my way down and walk into the kitchen were most of the supplies were hidden. The best idea would to visit Hanji or Levi but she was not in the mood to explain who almost ate her.

The sun was already up high on the sky, soon everyone will start to wake up, and I have to make it fast. I quickly searched for the first aid kit. After a while I found it and placed it on the table. Now the question was, how am I going to clean the wound when she bit my right hand. I wasn’t that skilful with my left one. I grabbed the bandage and clumsily tried to tie it around my hand, it wasn’t tight enough because it kept falling down. I growled frustrated and kept spitting curses at anything that came to my mind.

“What are you doing?” I was too focused on knotting the freaking bandage as someone spoke to me.

“Can’t you see stupid?!” I spat back without looking at the person that just arrived in the kitchen, another groan left my lips as the bandage fell off.

“Fuck this shit.” I took it off my arm and threw it on the floor.

“I’m done, I don’t care.” Someone grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, I almost spat another curse or two at the person when I realised it was the Corporal himself I gulped.

I mentally slapped myself as I leaned down and picked the bandage off the floor. “I… um, take back what I said earlier.” I cleaned my throat as I sat back down. Levi sat down without a word and took my arm as he exanimated it, _playing the doctor now huh?_

“Were you that hungry to bite off your own meat?” I almost, almost growled at him, instead I cocked my eyebrow nearly asking him if he was that stupid or just acted that way. “It was Sasha, but thanks for asking.” I said.

“Next time I might try it out of frustration.” I rolled my eyes as he took some cream out of the kit and massaged it on the wound. I winced at the sudden coldness but kept still. Levi chuckled under his nose as he grabbed the bandage.

“You sure are clumsy.” He noted as he checked the weirdly cut cloth in his hands. I looked away, a bit embarrassed.

“Well not everyone is as mighty and handy as _you_ , Corporal.” Rather than flattery, I meant it as an insult. He shot an unpleasant glare at me when another person walked in the room.

“Morning.” I said casually, thinking it was just a cadet like myself, without looking, Levi only moved his head in the same manner and kept his eyes fixed on my arm.

“Morning.” Hearing the cold voice, I stiffed for a moment before I looked behind me.

Erwin was staring down at me, then my arm, and then shot a glare at Levi who paid no attention to him. I should definitely fix my habit of greeting people or insulting them without looking who just came in, yes, I definitely should do that. Erwin walked passed us and made himself a cup of coffee, Levi finally managed to finish his bandaging, looking at it I nearly laughed out loud, almost. He really was a precise person and paid attention to smallest details, at times I wondered if his room was organised in order and neatly placed in his wardrobe.

“Next time try making a ribbon.” I muttered under my nose as I kept checking his work. Levi pinched my forehead and I hissed in pain, glaring at him. I placed all the things back in the first aid kit and placed it on its original place.

I took out two cups and was about to prepare some tea when I was hit on the back. One of the cups almost fell out of my hands as I turned around, a vein popped on my forehead.

“The fuck!” I hissed and looked at Jean.

“Whatcha doin’?” He chirped happily.

“Can’t you see? You should stop hitting me on my back or I will start to think you have a thing for me.” I spat, turning back to my work, leaving Jean with slightly pink cheeks lots in his thoughts.

“As if that would happen.” He scoffed and ran to Eren and Armin, pissing them off. When the pot was finally boiling I put the tea leaves into the cups and add poured water into the cups. I took them and placed one of the cups in front of Levi and one in front of me as I sat back down.

“By the way,” I looked at Levi who took the cup.

“Thank you.” He took a sip and looked at me.

“Next time try not to get eaten by your colleague, brat.” I laughed at his stupid comment and sipped the tea, looking around I could no longer spot Erwin. I did not even notice when he left.

“Noted, sir!”

* * *

 

I was standing in Erwin’s office, Eren, Mikasa, Armin and Levi by my side while Hanji stood near Erwin. The saint quarto, including myself waited for the positions to be divided. My hands were on my hips, sleeves rolled up thanks to the heat that was driving me slowly crazy. Eren noticed my bandaged arm and leaned closer, whispering into my ear questions like what happened to me. I grinned as I looked at him and said.

“I was hungry so I tried out what it feels like to eat human flesh.” I said.

“Juicy I must say.” Eren looked at me in horror, and so did everyone in the room. I accidentally said it too loudly; I cleared my throat as I looked at them.

“Of course that was meant as a joke.” A deep sigh left my lips. “I have a very hungry neighbour you see.” Levi was glaring at me, shooting darts; Hanji had an eyebrow cocked, eyeing me with interested and Erwin’s features hardened and he looked quite taken aback by my words. _Woops._

In the end, as always, Eren, Mikasa and Armin were sorted together while I ended up with Hanji. She was grinning widely, I sighed knowing what was waiting for me out there. I knew she will want to catch another titan and of course, with my help included. With that we left the room, only Levi and Hanji left behind.

“You are silly sometimes you know that?” Eren said while looking at me, Mikasa fixed her scarf and Armin slightly shaking followed behind.

“I’m sorry?” I blinked at him few times in a cute manner.

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, thought. But you are the second person who asked me that and I kind of had to use this opportunity, you know?” Eren said nothing only rolled his eyes as he passed me with Mikasa next to him. Armin slowly followed them and I was standing in the middle of the hall alone like a piece of twig.


	10. Reckless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Slight self-harm near the end. If anyone feels uncomfortable with it, skip it.

“Open the gate!” called Erwin.

There was the sound of metal gears turning as the gate slowly screeched open.

With a creaking sound the gates were almost fully open, I clicked my tongue, and how I hated that sound. A light began to push its way from under the gate, slowly reaching our horses and then our bodies. I always wondered how did they manage to build these walls, who did it? And more importantly, _how on earth?_ I highly doubted that the walls appeared here one sunny day and grew up like those big ass trees. At that a giggle left my lips, recalling Levi’s catchy phrase. At least that man had few nice sayings. Hanji was looking at me with wide grin on her face, showing her teeth. I believed she thought I was grinning because of her, oh how wrong she was.

“Forward!” Erwin yelled, pointing his hand before him. All of us raised our voices in a battle cry and kicked our horses to start moving. I was in the last string with Hanji, so we had to wait for a moment.

I looked at Jean who pulled the reins back this time even harder, kicked harder; Jean finally started really kicking the horse hard — nothing! He couldn't move this creature.

“You stupid freak, stop kicking that poor thing!” I yelled at him, placing my hand on my sword. He got the message and hissed.

“This jackass won’t move!”

“Well it’s your own kind so speak with it, idiot.” I turned my head away, pulling the reins gently my horse started to move forward. I heard Jean yell something, something that was clearly an insult.

It was finally our time, I took a quick glimpse on Hanji, she nodded and we started moving forward. I wondered why is Jean with us, he never really had a good relationships with horses and he did not look as the bravest at all. Well, I might be wrong …

Erwin was leading the group with Levi in the front. Eren, Mikasa and Armin were in the middle following their superiors. I, on the other hand, was listening to Hanji’s cries of happiness and her plans with the — not yet captured — titan. I rolled my eyes and rode my horse in silence.

Me and my fellow comrade made our way into the forest, I landed on the branch and waited for him to follow me. Hanji stayed behind to help her other team-mate to make it in one piece into the woods.

“What takes him so long?” I wondered as I leaned against the tree with a sigh. I stood there for a while letting the wind play with my hair.

But then, after a moment, I heard someone scream, a male voice.

“What the..!” I took out my swords and my eyes scanned the place. The male soldier was stuck on the tree. The tall titan grabbed him into its big hand and squeezed his body. Did he try to kill the titan himself? Why was he so reckless!

The young soldier screamed in pain and raked at the titan’s face with his hands. I felt my breath halt and my entire body freeze. For the first time ever, I didn't recognize myself. “Help me!” he screamed, his eyes bulging from his head, and his face crimson. I had no idea why I was looking at him at that very moment. “Someone!” He begged. His mouth was wide open with that horrifying red liquid seeping out his mouth. I choked back the scream that rose in my throat. My legs were shaky, as if my knees were about to buckle. I quickly closed my eyes turned my head away from the scene, held my breath, and prayed he hadn't noticed.

_I’m sorry._

Another horrific scream echoed through my ears. He was speaking again, pleading. My heart leapt up into my throat and I felt like I am going to choke. I heard a loud crunch.

“Y-you… P-please!”

 _What have I done? That man saw me, he clearly saw me standing here and watching him being eaten._ In one brutal motion the creature bit into the man's stomach and clenched its teeth, the sound of the creaking bones ran through me, tearing the body apart. The screaming suddenly stopped.

_You’re in a better place now._

Hanji landed behind me and tapped me on my back. I heard her call out my name, startled; I look at her and gulped. I was breathing too heavily. Too loudly. My very blood seemed to vibrate with tension. I focused on regulating my breath, breathing into my hands to keep from hyperventilating. Slowly, in and out.

“Y-yeah, let’s go…”

“You okay?” She fixed her goggles as she eyed me.

“Sure.” I withdrew the swords out of my 3DGM and fixed my eyes on a small titan that was trying to crawl up the tree. I exhaled slowly.

“So it is you then,” I shot the string into the next tree and flied there, spun in the air and landed on a different branch to have a better view.

“Wait for my signal!” Hanji yelled at the remaining soldier hidden down in the bushes.

The creature was screaming and pushing its fingers into the tree. It bit into the tree as the titan tried to maintain its position. _You disgusting freak._

“Now!” Hanji yelled and suddenly more than fifty spears ran through the titan’s legs, arms and back. The titan was pinned to the tree like an animal, blood seeping out from the wounds. I used my 3DGM again and landed on the titan’s shoulder. I ran the blade over its cheek, making a deep yet clean cut. Hearing it scream in pain made my lips curve into a smile. The titan turned its head and tried to bite me, I jumped back and pointed the tip of my sword at the creature.

“You want a piece of me?!” I screamed, a drop of sweat rolled down my nape.

 

* * *

 

I was sitting in the kitchen, sipping my coffee as I ran my hands through my hair and tugged in frustration. Eren was having his battle with Jean, their voices filled the whole room.

“Shit!” I'd rather feel angry than frustrated. “I have really messed up.” I stood up, picked up the mug and threw it into the sink.

“The hell you’re doin’!”

“Piss off, Jean.” I hissed at everyone.

“Hey, I—”

“W-what's her prob—”

I made my way out of the kitchen and walked into my room, ignoring most of the people as I passed the hallway. I had no desire to speak to any of them, I wanted to be alone. My mind was constantly repeating that scene, I could still see his blood-shot eyes. The sound of his breaking bones sent a shiver down my spine. I let my comrade die. I watched him die; I just stood there and watched, listened. I could see those tears running down his face as one of his hands was reaching towards me.

_I feel like a piece of trash._

I slammed the door behind me; of course, I always wanted to do that, now I had the reason to do so. I heard Levi yell at me for being too loud and he did not miss to remind me what a shitty brat I was. I leaned against the door with all of my weight. A loud sigh escaped my lips. “Shitty day.”

It took all of my strength to get to the bathroom and turn on the water for the shower. I crawled into the shower and just sat there trying to wash every piece of guilt I felt off me. Tears were running down my cheeks, I scrubbed my skin with my bare hands. I started scratching at my skin until it bled. It felt pleasant, but certainly not an experience that I would be willing to incorporate into my daily routine. I watched as the blood ran down from my hands into the sink and down the drain.

I fall to my knees, I hugged them to my chest as I started screaming, crying. I stayed in the shower for a long time, hoping the water would wash everything away. Oh, how wrong I was. It did not help, I started shaking, shivering; the water was already cold. My wounds were little more than light pink lines on my skin.

I dried myself down and then looked at the clothes on the shelf. I took an old, grey ripped shirt and pulled it over my head, grabbed black pants and repeated my action. I clumsily bandaged my arms and legs and walked out of the bathroom.

I crawled into bed, wishing I was crawling into my own coffin. I forced my eyes closed and tried to focus on nothing. When I finally fell asleep, the darkness in my heart was as deep as the darkness outside. My sleep didn't last very long though. Hours later, I awoke in a panic around midnight.

I stayed pressed to my pillow, my eyes fervently searching the room. _He was there, he was watching me!_ I was breathing heavily; my shirt was damp with sweat. My stomach wrenched and my hands were shaking. I tried to detach myself from the nightmare that haunted me that night. Pain racked my body. Then the itch came. I started scratching the wounds on my legs, it somehow called my nerves down. _Fuck!_ My head was throbbing with pain. I close my eyes and flatten my palms to my temples, willing the pain to stop.

I heard a knock at my door, and then I heard, “Everything alright?”


	11. Wounds

I wanted to vomit, and as I tried to catch my breath I found only more discomfort in my throat as my lungs tried for fresh air. My breathing was still ragged and fast. I felt a pull, a tightening in my chest. Not quite chest pain, but I wished it would just stop. I rested my elbows on my knees; let my head droop with a deep sigh. I spent several minutes looking at the floor, ignoring the knocking that was slowly annoying me to no end. The dizziness did not subside, and my chest felt heavy. I felt sweat drops rolling down my forehead, ending up on the tip of my nose before falling onto the ground.

“Shit,” a groan left my lips as I unwillingly stood up, things were slightly blurry, before I reached the door I grabbed a baggy hoodie and pulled it over my head. “I’m coming! Jesus…” _It’s in the middle of the night, what the hell? Did Sasha bit someone again?_

I placed my right hand upon the doorknob and thought to myself before turning the door knob, _who’s that shitty person who won_ _’t let me sleep..?_ I opened the door slightly with a groan.

“What? What is it..?” I hissed through my teeth, eyeing the person.

“Y'alright?” I rolled my eyes at his question.

“Sure, can’t you see?” I faked a smile and swallowed to keep from vomiting. His timing was always the best, seriously.

He hummed and placed his hand on my forehead, “I heard you yell.” I jerked back at his action clicking my tongue.

“The fuck you’re doing, seriously. Keep your hooves to yourself, will you?” I hissed and narrowed my eyes.

“W-wh... H-hooves?!” Jean repeated; his voice pitched higher than usual.

“If you don’t know what it means you better go to stables for the rest of the night.” I slammed the door and groaned with frustration.

“Idiot!” I heard him yell from behind the door, I rolled my eyes at his creativeness and took the hoodie off. It was all sweaty and I decided to throw it into the sink, I will wash it later today. I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face. I was too tired to think of more. I ran my hand up from my face back through my hair.

I looked at my bandaged hands. Beneath bandages, my hands and feet throbbed, and I ached all over. Something felt like it was pinching and itching. I rubbed the top my hand. Scratch, scratch, scratch.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath before I continued; trying to close off my emotions. Seeing my fellow’s comrade’s eyes sliding down his cheeks, I gagged, jammed my hand against my mouth, ran into the bathroom, fell on my knees on the floor, hugged the exterior of the toilet and vomited. I kept gagging until there was absolutely nothing left inside me and I was hugging myself in agony. At some point I wondered if my colleagues went through this shit as well. At this point, I slightly regretted my decision, I could’ve been already dead but, no, here I am. Gagging and vomiting like a cat. My chest hurt; my ribs felt as if they had crystallized and would shatter.

I groaned in agony and all I could do was sit there and wait for the retching to end. I rubbed my stomach, my ribs felt as if they were wrapped too tightly around my lungs; sometimes it was hard to take a deep breath.

“Shit if I’m going to die like this… What a lovely sight it will be.” I scoffed ironically.

I managed to stand up and as soon as I did so, I leaned against the sink throwing the hoodie out as I spit out into the sink. I rinsed my mouth and splashed some water on my face, looked up at the mirror and then dried my moist skin. _I looked like shit._

My stomach growled and I felt the early pangs of a hunger with a headache coming on. I took the hoodie off the floor and took it on again, brushed my hair into a pony-tail to make myself look at least like a human being and walked out of the room.  _At least my hair looked acceptable._

 

* * *

 

 

I was sitting on a kitchen chair while I was waiting for my tea to cool down at least a bit. I inhaled the steam rising from the tea to soothe my aching throat. I leaned against the table and crossed my arms before myself.

My eyes scanned one of my bandaged hands; it was slightly painted with red. Guess I was scratching too much and too hard. Softly I ran my fingers over the red spot and sighed.

“Guess I will have to bandage you again.”

“It must be hard living with that tiny brain of yours.” I freeze, a shiver running down my spine hearing the husky voice behind me; my thoughts try to remember the entry.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly turned around to meet Levi's gaze — His eyes were sharp and piercing.

I cleared my throat and took the cup into my hand, stood up and said; “There is more tea in the kettle so…”

“Don’t get any shit into those wounds, you hear me.” He said in a low tone. Two options ran through my mind. First, I can lie, but since out Corporal is not as stupid as people think he would see right through my lie. Second, I can admit what I did and end up as a total idiot in his eyes. Most probably I was already a fool in his eyes so, why not to be a bigger one?

“Why would I?” I shrugged and sipped from my tea.

“You were stupid enough to hurt yourself.” He poured the hot liquid into his mug and turned around, facing me.

“Who said it was me?” I cocked an eyebrow as I held the cup near my lips. I wonder if this lie with get through.

He frowned, then clicked his tongue and continued. “You would kill anyone who'd try to lay a finger on you.” I shrugged at his reply. _Probably not, what was I even thinking?_

“I wonder why are you, Erwin and Jean alive then.” I growled into the mug and sipped again. My hand started to itch again, I wanted to scratch it so bad.

His jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened dangerously. _Shit._ He placed his cup of tea on the table.

“Jean…” Levi growled under his breath, annoyed. I placed my empty cup on the table as well as I turned on my heel.

“I better go.” I said my goodbye to Levi and slowly walked away.

“Wait, you shitty brat.” I clicked my tongue and turned around, slightly annoyed.

“What now?”  I hissed more sharply with exasperation, my eyes meeting his gaze once more.

“Sit your shitty ass down for a few minutes.” Levi was in a probably bad mood and he ordered me to sit down and listen to something he had to say. With a sigh I turned around and obeyed, as I sat down on the chair again he did the same.

“You better get your shit together.” Levi commanded. Goddamn it. My pulse slows, and my head started to pound. I ran my hand through my hair as I rubbed it slowly with my fingers.

“I've fucked up a lot, but I really fucked up when I let my comrade di—” I confessed. The guilt and upset I felt was unbearable. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. Nothing.

“You did.” He said. How did he know? A feeling of dread overcame me. “We all saw our comrades die, you are no different. You must get your shit together now or you will go crazy,” his eyes wandered down my hands and I shrugged uncomfortably, “or worse.” He kept his eyes locked on me, cautious. True, I am no exception. For a moment I wondered, no, wanted to know how Levi coped with his loss.

“Show me your hand.” I gulped, but obeyed. In the end, I knew what a clean freak he was, so my wounds will have a good treatment. I raised both of my limbs; Levi unbandaged both of my wounded arms and saw that it was peppered with deep scratches. His face showed no emotion at all, he was probably used to this by now.

Levi opened the cupboard, reached inside and brought out a slim, clear plastic container, filled with first-aid goodies. Levi took few cottons and alcohol, at the sight I gulped knowing it will hurt as hell, and then he bent to clean the wound. I flinched as the moist cotton touched my skin; he looked up and pressed harder.

“Shit, be more gentle!” I groaned in pain and slightly jerked my arm away.

“Why would I? You are no longer a shitty child.” He grabbed my hand and pulled it back. “Bear with it.” _Was he trying to sooth me now?_

I clenched my jaw until my teeth hurt, using the pain to get centered. After he had his fun with torturing me, who I was guessing was because of Jean, he'd put cream on the wounds and had it bandaged.

“What about the ribbon?” He clicked his tongue in disgust and spat a curse or two as he was placing the kit into the cupboard where it belonged. A giggle squeaked from my lips at his reaction. I could still recall that exact moment when he accidentally spilled his tea all over my chest.

“Okay, maybe another time,” I mumbled under my breath.

“You're shitting me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t—” I sighed and looked at him as I cleared my throat. “I just… I was just wondering how you coped with all the loss.”

“I didn’t,” he admitted, I couldn't answer, I didn't want to, so I decided to stay quite as I blinked, “but you can’t bring the dead back.” He added coldly. _Oh._

“You better not lose your shitty mind again.” His eyes pointed on my arms and looked back at me. I didn't complain, at some point he was right.

“Right.” I whispered, there was a silence between us for a while. I hesitated for a moment, and then slid nearer to him.

He eyed me very closely and said, “What a—” Finally, I grabbed him and wrapped my hands around him, hugging him gently.

“Thank you, Levi.” I whispered into his ear. He didn't answer, but I could feel his muscles tense. Levi wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.


	12. One–on–One

“Why aren’t you eating?” I heard Eren’s voice as he leaned closer.

“You okay?” Another head leaned closer, this time it was a blonde one.

“I’m fine, just not hungry.” I couldn't eat, my stomach would try to get rid of it. I felt sick as a dog, haunted with nightmares and guilt. I moved the spoon in the porridge to the sides and then tossed the bowl to Sasha. I knew that she would be more than happy to receive food. It was a better option than to be bitten again. Wasn’t it?

“Thanks!” She chirped happily as she took the bowl, shielding it with her one hand. I smirked as I stood up.

“No problem.” I said and took the empty cup from the table.

“You’r—” She was munching her bread when I interrupted her.

I placed my right arm on the table as I leaned to her saying, “When I come to you one day asking for something, you won’t say no.” I smiled and straightened myself.

A piece of bread fell out of her mouth as she nodded. “R-right!” She finally said and swallowed the rest of the bread.

“I’m glad we are on the same line.” I said over my shoulder with a smile on my lips as I was walking towards the sink.

“You’re indebted to her now.” I could hear Jean mutter something to her as I dropped the mug into the sink, and I was surprised that it didn't break by the way that it clattered. I could feel some eyes on my back; I shrugged and looked over the superior’s table with curiosity. The Commander’s eyes were narrowed slightly as he was eyeing me; Levi paid no attention and slurped his tea. I wondered if I would break one of his cups if his face would be the same. Probably not, and most probably I would end up being hanged down by my feet somewhere.

Mike on the other hand smirked and waved; I nodded my head as a greeting and waved to Hanji who was already yelling my name, echoing through the whole canteen. I sighed, trying to ignore the whole room as I walked towards their table.

“I found out some new things about the titans!” She chirped and grinned as she opened her notebook and slammed it on the table in the process.

“Oh, that’s awesome!” I gave her a weak smile, Levi smirked and I shot him a glare. “I guess the Captain would be interested as well!” My smile turned into a grin now and Levi was the one shooting darts at me.

Hanji grabbed me by my arm and seated me down next to her while she moved closer to Levi.

“Good idea! So—” With her index finger she pointed at the titan.

“Piss off, shitty glasses.” Levi growled, he took his mug and made his way out of the canteen. I placed my hands on the table as I took one of the papers into my hands.

“W-what... Hey—!” One point for me for pissing him off.

I giggled. “I guess Levi is just too clever for this stuff you know…” The whole table was eyeing me now. Then it hit me, “I mean Captain.” I cleaned my throat. _Shit._

“Levi, huh…” she said, eyeing me shrewdly. I looked at Erwin, his eyes were narrowed dangerously. Finally, emotion. Mike cocked an eyebrow as he smirked again. Hanji eyes her papers and moved one page after another. She was probably searching for her newest discovery.

Hanji placed one of her hands on my arms and slightly squeezed it as she started twitching it to the sides as she found the paper with the new found information’s. I hissed in pain and placed my arms on my lap, slightly rubbing them.

She looked at me, and confusion covered her face. Silently I wished someone would call out my name so that I could run to them.

“Ah, it’s nothing.” I smiled at her. “It’s a bit hard to get rid of Sasha’s jaw once it’s locked.” I giggled.

“Want me to lo—” At times I felt sorry for Hanji, she was constantly interrupted.

“I believe it was left arm.” Erwin said, his words sounded confident. I gulped hard; he noticed and cocked an eyebrow waiting for something. An answer probably? _Shit! I was caught! I really need to work on my facial expressions and actions._

I found myself brooding, silent for long periods of time, and thinking about a good answer. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

“So?” I jerked back a little, surprised. I couldn’t even lie to Levi without getting caught what would be the difference with Erwin? I took a deep breath and let it out.

“I had a small accident.” I confessed, not lying but not telling the whole truth.

Mike stood up and before he left he patted my back. “Take care, kid.” Was a caught or he meant something else? I forced a smile and clicked my tongue as soon as he left the canteen. I forced myself to believe he meant my carnivorous neighbour. It felt better.

_Kid my ass._

“I see,” he said at last in a flat voice, not looking at me. _Bastard, at least look at me when you are talking to me._

Eren, Mikasa and Armin waved at me as they left the canteen, I waved back and said my goodbye. Jean followed them Marco and smirked as he said; “You better be ready on the field.”

I placed my right arm on the table, placing my head into my hand and with a smile I said; “Already hitting on me?” I chirped. “Or perhaps, missing me?” His face turned into a light shade of pink as he muttered a curse and left the room. Two points for me.

Hanji took her and Mike’s cup as she stood up. “You are killing that poor boy.” She noted.

I shrugged and she left to refill her cup. I looked at Erwin again, his cold blue eyes met mine. I felt a small chill in my spine.

“What is it?” I finally asked, breaking the silence.

“It doesn’t concern you.” He took a sip of his drink and placed the mug on the table.

“Well, it clearly does when you are burning holes into my head with those eyes of yours.”

“What happened to your arm?” I narrowed my eyes, he got me. His eyes followed my actions as I placed the paper I was holding back into Hanji’s notebook and stood up. “It doesn’t concern you.” With that I left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

I took off my jacket and threw it on the ground, I was about to roll the sleeves up when I remembered my arms were bandaged. The sun was shining brightly. It was too hot outside for training but we had no other choice. Sweat was rolling down my forehead as I finished one of my battles. Jean was left.

I watched him from far as he was finishing his one on one with Bertoldt. Jean was slightly smaller from him so he had a slight advantage, although he wasn’t aware of it. Bertoldt managed to hit him in the ribs and Jean growled in pain as he landed on the ground. 1:0 for the tall guy.

I squatted down to him with a smile on my face. “What is it pretty boy? Done with one punch?” I mocked him, he locked at me with narrowed eyes and slowly collected himself.

“Shut up, freak.” He was far too young to insult me.

“That’s all you’ve got?” I stood up in a fighting stance. My hair was in a ponytail so my vision was clear. My right arm was slightly more forward than my left one, both of them up in the air before my face. I had to admit that Annie's fighting position was great, and it looked frightening as well.

Jean growled and attacked me with his foot; I dodged his kick and giggled. Moving my right arm I half punched half scratched him into his right cheek, if he would be few pound lighter – he would spun around like a stick during storms.

Jean rubbed his cheek as he growled. “Oh come on, I thought horses endure more.” I hoped he would recall the moment he was kicking his horse, knowing how he paid no attention to such things I let it slip.

Jean looked on the ground and made an ’Oh’ sound. My eyes followed his, he suddenly grabbed my arm and I yelped in pain. _Shit, he got me!_ With his free arm he punched me into my cheek while he was firmly holding my right arm. I never would have said he was this strong! At this point I wasn’t sure which one hurt more, my arm or my cheek. I tried to kick him with my knee into his stomach but he dodged it and planted another punch on my cheek. _You gotta be shitting me!_

I gathered enough saliva in my mouth to spit it on his face, with that he released my arm and cleaned his features while spitting curses.

“You!” He growled, I made a step back. At least I got my arm back. “Why would you spit on me?!” He yelled, gaining attention from other people.

“It’s not written anywhere I can’t do that.” I shrugged, I felt my arm throb in pain as much as my eye.

“You fucking spit on me!” He was more overreacting than I thought. God, how I wanted to put something cold on it.

“Glad you noticed.” I rolled my eyes. His face was flushed. His fingers clenched into fists, and I could see a vein rise in his forehead. This was my first time seeing him so pissed, it was quite impressive.

“In my office, now!” I heard Levi behind me. When did he get here? My left eye was starting to swell shut and my cheek hurt. _Great._ I knew it would be completely shut before we got into his office. _Awesome._ I hissed, wondering how would Jean act if he would be even more pissed. I managed to bring him over the edge faster than Eren, hope I will get some credit for that.

I already cursed the following days and how I will have to manage with one eye only. Not to mention all the stares and questions, with a sigh I entered Levi’s room, Jean following me.

Jean sat down and I was standing behind the chair, wondering if I should sit down or not. Levi took off his jacket and placed it on the chair as he sat down as well. He looked at me and I slightly jumped, hoping he didn’t notice it.

“You need an invitation to sit that shit ass of yours down?” If it would be possible, my eye would twitch with annoyance. I had to bite my tongue not to answer something I would regret later. I could barely see him with my right eye, however I couldn't miss his annoyed features. Jean smirked, if Levi wouldn’t be there I would hit him with the chair I was supposed to sit down on. I wished my scratch would leave a mark on his horse face.

“No, sir.” I sat down and crossed my arms on my chest. I bet my mom would be proud on me.

“The fuck were you doing?” He asked and looked at Jean, then me and then back at Jean again.

“Kirstein you better be glad she’s not blind.” He had a point, I slightly nodded my head as I looked at him, hiding my grin.

“Why would she be…” He muttered under his nose. Uh oh, you just dug your grave.

“You sai—” A knock interrupted him, all of us looked on the door. “What?!” He spat and the door opened.

“I need som—” Erwin walked it with few papers in his hands and looked slightly taken aback with the sight on us. I found this situation slightly amusing, me and Jean being scolded like two bad kids by their teacher when the principal walks in with puzzled face. A giggle left my lips, catching Erwin’s attention.

“You two, follow me. And Levi,” he handed him the papers, “I need you to sign this.” I wanted to pout as a hurt child, but seeing Erwin's cold eyes I let go of that idea.

With a sigh I stood up and walked like a sad lamb towards him, I could hear Jean’s footsteps behind me, he was muttering something but I couldn’t hear it properly.

I just wanted to take a shower, crawl into my bed and try to forget about everything. The moment I mentioned my bed a shiver ran down my spine.

_Okay, maybe not._


	13. Contract

I was sitting in Erwin’s office with Jean by my side, his face was slightly pale and his fists clenched. I smirked at looked away, so he was nervous, good. You better be.

Erwin’s desk was a mess, there were two empty cups on it with papers all around, on his left side there was a big pile which would fall down if someone would open the window, the wind would most probably play around with it. His bin was full of ripped papers and few used pens, which I guess were no longer useful to him. Looking on my left, ignoring Jean’s flinching from time to time, I looked at the small table where were two candles, one of them already burned out and the second one was in the half, he was most probably working at night again.

I looked back as Erwin seated himself down and took one paper. Damn his love for paper is endless, I guess. I rolled my eyes and followed his action. He took the pen and started writing down something; I scanned his features quickly without making it too obvious I was eyeing him. His jaw was relaxed, his eyes fixed on the paper and his lips were a thin line. His hair was fixed and brushed to the side as always.

I wanted to take those cups and throw them into the sink, they were getting on my nerves as much as his dirty table. I think spending too much time around Levi will make you appreciate cleanness. I shrugged uncomfortably, tempted to do as I pleased, however I managed to hold back. Who said I couldn’t back? I took a quick glimpse at Jean who was sitting straight and looking forward as if he would spot something on the wall if he would look more carefully. I wanted to poke his shoulder, I really did, and instead I moved my leg and kicked his slightly.

I caught his attention, his head immediately turned to mine and his eyes narrowed.

“This is not a playground.” I turned my face to Erwin, who was looking at us now. I blinked, it hurt as hell. I said nothing, neither did Jean. He was probably still scared of him. I always wondered why people are so scared of him, well, I had the chance to feel slightly scared but …

“Jean,” he said. Jean tensed and looked up, his fists were slightly white. He was too nervous, that poor boy. “What was your purpose for aiming her eye?” Good question Commander, really, I was curious too.

I didn’t have to be a genius to guess that if Erwin would stand up and walk around, then Jean’s heart would most probably tear his chest open and ran away. It was beating that loud, I wanted to pat his shoulder and tell him it will be okay. I sighed and looked away, why would I even do that? Stupid emotions.

“S-sir, we were only t-training.” Jean said. Boy, you shouldn’t stutter, you don’t sound convincing at all. Erwin raised one of his thick eyebrows at the boy.

“That’s why her eye is swollen.” Good point. Erwin finished writing the paper and put it next to the pile where another one was slowly growing. Jean stayed quite.

“Sir,” I said. Erwin turned his attention to me, I was grateful that he was at least looking at me, although I couldn’t see him properly with my second eye. “it wasn’t his fault.” Why was I backing him? Erwin’s eyes slightly narrowed, his jaw clenched.

“Shortly speaking, I moved at the wrong time.” I sighed.

“You can go.” That’s it? Jean stood up and I followed him. That was too easy.

“Not you.” We looked at each other with Jean and then at Erwin. Here we go. Erwin handed a single paper to Jean and told him what he is expecting of him to do and informed him about his stable duties for the following him. If Jean wouldn’t have his pants shat he would most probably groan under his nose. However, he left in silence. I wondered what was on that paper, maybe I will ask him later. Or ask someone else. 

I scratched the back of my neck as I seated myself back down on the chair.

“So, what’s my punishment?” I asked, he looked at him with piercing eyes. “Sir.” I added.

He eyed me without moving. I clicked my tongue, took the two empty cups and walked into the bathroom where I threw them into the sink. I didn’t have the time to look around but I spotted some things. As I opened the door I could spot myself in a small mirror. Guess he wasn’t the type who would check himself out that much. His bathroom was surprisingly clean; everything in order on the shelves, only his razor was on the sink. He probably shaved a day or two ago. “Stupid cups.” I hissed and smashed the door behind me with more force that I wanted to. _Shit._

Erwin was now leaning against the table, elbows on the table and his fingers were tangled as his lips were slightly touching them. The sight of him was tempting, he knew how to play his cards well.

“I will ignore your behaviour, this time.” He eyed me, I felt uncomfortable, it felt as if I would be his prey and he the predator that held me firm in his paws. I seated myself back on the chair and leaned against the back of it, nodding my head. This time it felt slightly weird, being in his office during such circumstances. I wasn’t here for work, I wasn’t even sure anymore why I was sitting here.

Oh, right, my fight with Jean.

“What is my punishment, sir?” This time I did not forget; points for me.

He moved his hands off the table and took out another paper. Not this again, I sighed as I leaned forward to take it. He didn’t give it to me, instead he wrote down something. My hand fell back on my lap, I felt slightly embarrassed and pissed.

After a while of writing, he finally stopped and handed it to me with a pen.

I turned the paper around in my hands and started reading. I didn’t read the whole thing, he mentioned some things twice and after a moment it felt boring. Erwin was trying to make a contract with me for being his _left hand_ again with the paper work. I cocked an eyebrow as I looked at him and back on the paper. _This man is nuts, I swear._

I wanted to add some notes myself but I think that wouldn’t be the best idea. I knew if I would sign this I would end up being in a quarrel with both Levi and Erwin again. I had my own problems haunting me and I did not desire in the slightest for them to follow me or order me around as they pleased. Even though they had the right to do so.

I was looking at the paper wondering why I showed up at the Survey Corps that time. Why did I let myself lure into this pit hole. After a month, or two, I finally understood why people are spreading such dirty words about them.

“If I won’t?” I asked, placing the pen on the table, still holding the paper.

“I will welcome your brother in the Survey Corps then.” I froze. Did he just say what I heard? I looked up, staring into his eyes.

“Bastard.” It was meant to be a thought … or not. His upper lips twitched, in a smirk I assumed. I slammed my hands on the table as I stood up. _He is threatening me?! How did he know about him? I thought ... I thought I managed to hide him well._

I tore the paper in front of his eyes and threw it at him. I was very hurt and very angry. So angry that I felt murderous. I didn't know I was capable of such an emotion. He had connections where I didn’t.

“Very well.”

“Fuck off!” I hissed as I grabbed him by his collar. I saw something flash in his eyes, but he said nothing. “I dare you! You hear me?!” I yelled at him. It wasn’t enough that I was frustrated and depressed he was playing on my last string of nerves. Sweat broke out on my forehead.

He placed both of his hands on my wrists and squeezed them hard enough to earn a yelp from me. I released his collar and he leaned closer.

The familiar smell of coffee filled my nose, I wanted to dodge his stare, but I didn’t. I won’t back off.

“You refused.” He informed me, in silent monotone voice. I clenched my fingers into a fist, ready to hit him as soon as he is going to release me.

“I’m not your fucking slave.” I hissed through clenched teeth, my neck aching from the tightness of my muscles. Jerking my hands, my eyes still fixed with his.

“I never said such a thing, you did.” He said. “I was only offering you something, that wouldn’t hurt _that_ much.” My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.

The room felt like it was spinning around me. I grabbed his wrist with one hand.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, as I began to think how my little brother would end up being torn apart by some monstrous titan. I swallowed and started breathing heavily.

Erwin was asking me something but I couldn’t hear him properly, I felt his hands on my shoulders.

I tried to push back the memory of my fellow comrade and his painful screams that I could still echo in my head. And those eyes, blood mixed with tears was leaking out of them, rolling down his cheeks. I was trembling. Another tear rolled down my cheek. Erwin squeezed my shoulders. I stared at him with frightened eyes which felt like eternity.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I placed both of my hands on my ears.

“Shut up! Let it stop!” I screamed. I felt too sick to speak again.

 I wanted to vomit.


	14. Tea

It took me a few moments to realize where I was; I was lying flat on my back in a hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. My eye did not hurt that much anymore, although it was still slightly shut. Most probably even painted with various colours, from purple to green and from green to blue. I must look tempting. Then I saw a silhouette, it was a woman, with dark brown hair. Hanji. She was looking down at me with what seemed like real concern.

“How are you feeling?” Her voice was calm and gentle. I couldn't move my head. I just didn't have the energy. All I could do was lie there and move my eyes a little. My whole body hurt.

What have I done…?

I opened my eyes, only to get struck by a headache. A second later, I closed them and tried to re-create the scene in my mind. _Erwin was standing in front of me. I was angry, I felt hot. He was telling me something. What was it, what was he saying? I don’t feel well, my head hurts, and my stomach is in knots. I will throw up, I need to get away._

_I hear something, voice, a male one. He was yelling, why was he yelling at me? Stop, please don’t yell at me. No more. Please. I took few steps aback, trying to hide. It didn’t help, he already saw me. He kept yelling, I saw his eyes; they were red and slightly popped out. Tears streaming down his cheeks, snots leaping out of his nose. He kept yelling my name, his hand reaching towards me. He was too far, I wouldn’t reach him in time. It would be a suicide if I would._

_I’m sorry, forgive me. Please. I am so sorry._

I opened my eyes again, sitting up. My heart was pounding, and I started breathing faster and faster. My vision was hazy.

“Mmmm...” I took a few breaths and then I loudly said, “No!” I felt a hand grip me. I was breathing fast and heavily, gagging.

“Calm down!” I heard her yell. “Breathe. Slowly.” I felt a hand on my back, moving up and down in a slow motion. I listened; I tried to calm down, to take a proper breath.

“I’m going nuts.”

She laughed, “We all do.” She said soothingly like you would to a child. She handed me a cup with water, I nodded my thanks and took a sip of it. My breathing was slowly returning to normal.

“Better?” She took the cup and placed it on the nightstand as she stood up and seated herself on the chair next to the bed. I leaned against the back of the bed and sighed.

“Will I ever be?” I wondered, I didn’t want to say it out loud, somehow it slipped. Hanji moved her glasses up her head and smiled.

“No,” she said. Now that was encouraging, I appreciated she wasn’t lying. “but you can try.” Right. I rubbed my hand over my face. I was too tired to think of more. I ran my hand up from my face back through my hair.

“When can I get out?”

“Anytime you want.” I was glad to hear that, I smiled faintly and took the blanket off. Placing my feet on the cold ground, a shiver ran down my spine. Damn these stone floors.

“Then let’s go.” I walked towards the wardrobe, opened it and took out my uniform.

“You sure?” She asked, I took off my hospital clothes. My body felt better, it didn't hurt, although my head was a different story.

“Anything new in the quarters?” I started buttoning my shirt, and then took on my pants.

“Everything is still the same,” I heard her footsteps coming closer, “althought,” she leaned against the frame of the window, “both Erwin and Levi are like on needles.”

I hummed and took on my jacket, expecting to hear more. When nothing came I turned my face to look at her. She was looking at me with those brown eye of hers, questioning me.

“What?” I took the straps and walked towards the bed. Hanji didn’t move, she stayed near the window, eyeing me.

“What happened between you and Erwin? In the office.”

“I’m not quite sure myself.” I confessed. “The only thing I remember was that I felt angry, and my head hurt. Then my vision went black.” As I described what happened, I managed to put on the straps. Pieces of brown leather were already around my tights; I took off my jacket and joined the last piece on my back.

“Why?” I took on the jacket again and looked at her. She shrugged and made her way towards the door.

“Nothing.” I followed her in silence.  

 

* * *

 

 

I ran my hand through my hair again while I walked over to one of the empty benches. No one was around, everyone was enjoying their lunch. I wanted to be alone for a moment. A pale blue sky was dotted with a few puffy clouds. The sun rays are touching my skin and the breeze played with my hair as I lied down. Everything was so peaceful.

“Feels nice.” I felt the heat the sunlight absorb into my skin, warming every bone, every muscle. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the sweet smell of the blossoming flowers. I sighed loudly with relief, swinging my arms and breathing deeply. In the distance birds sang, creating the perfect lullaby. I closed my eyes.

The warmth of the sun disappeared. I opened my eyes to find someone standing over me, silhouetted against the light. There goes my relax. I sighed and sat up, and looked at the person properly.

“You alright?” I was, instead of replying, I nodded my head. I recognized the black hair and piercing eyes, it was Levi.

“Better.”  I smiled and felt relieved to see him. If possible, his face hardened at my answer. He seated himself next to me, I followed him with my eyes. He looked tired and distracted, poor man. I wasn't sure what to say. He turned to face me, his eyes lit up with anger.

“I don't believe your shit.” A shiver ran down my spine at the note in his voice. “I want the truth.”

I groaned as I rolled my eyes. “I’m not lying.” I was looking into his eyes, hoping this will get him off of me. He clicked his tongue and said nothing, his eyes narrowed. It didn't go according my plan at all.

“For fucks sake, want a prove or something?” I hissed and slightly narrowed my eyes in challenge. Levi’s dark eyes narrowed dangerously, though they couldn't hide the glitter in his eyes. The hard angle of his jaw. His eyes like dark embers, blazing fire. He looked so tempting, I bit my lower lip, he noticed. His eyes moved on my lips and quickly back on my eyes.

He leaned closer to me, his mouth next to my ear, his breath warm on my skin. Air hitched in my throat.

“Any offers?” I couldn't believe he even had to ask that question. However, I decided to play his game until I'd have enough. Or couldn't take it anymore, and that would be it.

I hummed a question, “Any ideas?”

I brushed my cheek against his as I moved slowly back, moving my lips along his jaw and back to his mouth. I brushed my lips against his. When my tongue brushed against the seam of Levi's lips, he parted them and I moved back with a smile playing on my lips.

“Yeah, I’m good.” His jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened. I had to admit that I enjoyed seeing him in this state, it was quite alluring.

“Quit messing around,” he growled, using his most gravelly voice.

I shrugged and looked up at the sky. “I’m not going to apologize though.” He knew that.

 

* * *

 

 

Again I woke up in the middle of the night. As I had the nights before. No nightmares this time, that was surprising. It was raining heavily outside. An unexpected thunderbolt banged. Mad wind pounded the windows. I lit two candled, and deciding to make a cup of tea, I walked into the kitchen.

I walked into the kitchen, slightly drowsy, and placed the candle on the table. I took out one cup and a kettle. Filled it with water and placed it on the stove, filled the stove with wood and lit it.

After a while, the water started to boil. I took out the tea leaves out of the cupboard and added few into the water. In a few second the liquid changed its colour and filled the room with sweet scent. I took the kettle and poured the hot liquid into the cup, as I was holding the kettle I took out one more cup and poured tea into it as well.

I left the kettle on the stove and left the room with the warm cups of tea. I walked up the stairs, I was thinking what to say, but in the end I knew I wouldn’t say anything of it. When I was standing in front of the door I wondered how should I knock, both of my hands were already occupied.

I sighed and softly kicked the door twice. Nothing. I kicked it again. I heard a groaning noise and footsteps, after a moment the door opened. He opened the door in sweatpants, his eyes looked darker than usually and his chest bare. I spotted few scars along his torso. I averted my eyes from his bare chest after a moment, clearing my throat. 

He looked sleepy. He probably did not notice me eyeing him. His hair was messy, as if he'd been running his hands through it just a while ago. Even though I knew he was sleeping. Lovely. He yawned and narrowed his eyes as he saw me.

“What a lovely sight!” I chirped with a smile and handed him the cup. “Here.”

“Shut up shitty brat.” With a groan he took the cup and walked back into his room, leaving the door open. I followed him in and closed the door behind me.


	15. Petra's plan

I sat down on the chair that was in front of his table, placing my cup on the table. I was watching him from behind as he walked towards the wardrobe. His back looked muscular, small scars here and there. There was a long vertical one under his shoulder blade. I wondered where he managed to get that. He picked out a shirt and pulled it over his head. Levi’s head looked even messier and a giggle escaped my lips at the sight. He looked at me out the corner of his eye.

“Why are you here?” I shrugged at his question as I leaned against the chair.

“Should I leave?” I took the cup into my hands, it was still warm. He said nothing. With his fingers he grabbed the cup and sipped the warm liquid.

“Should I—?” He light up two candles and sat down on his bed.

“No.” He said firmly. I looked at Levi's determined face, satisfied by his statement.

“Why did you come here?” he asked as he clicked his tongue. He knew he sounded rude, but he wasn't that type of person who would care. He wasn’t the type of man who would ask the same question over and over again.

“I don't know,” I knew. I said at last, speaking in a humble tone of voice. He said nothing, he sipped his tea again as he was eyeing me. I shrugged. “I find it,” I stayed quite for a moment before I finished. “relaxing. Being here.” I mumbled under my nose, unwilling to accept that fact that he made me feel at ease.

“Sometimes too relaxing.” I looked up and sighed. I was glad my eye was almost fully healed now, although it was still a bit purple under my eye but at least it didn’t hurt anymore. I took a sip of my tea and placed it on the table.

“I see.” He said. “I'm glad to hear that.” He added as he placed the cup, which I was guessing was empty now, on the night stand, coming to his feet.

“I didn't mean it as flattery,” I said, quite gravely. “just a plain statement of fact.” As he walked closer to me, I glared at him.

“What?” Levi was so close I could smell his clothes — I could smell him. I looked up at him in the eyes as he towered over me, that same elusive smile playing on his mouth. I could smell the faint remnants of his aftershave and the all-too-familiar scent that was uniquely his.

“You feel taller now?” I said, injecting my voice with sarcasm. I could feel the warmth coming off him.

“Quit messing around.” He narrowed his eyes, leaned closer with a harder voice. Levi grabbed me by my collar and pulled me to him. Breath hitched in me as I looked into his eyes. I wasn’t expecting this in the least.

“Or what?” I said as I stood up and grabbed his collar in a challenge. The smell of him was intoxicating. I wanted to press my lips on his.

“You’ve changed.” He tilted his head and pulled me closer. I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrow. I did? I felt the warmth of his breath on my face. My eyes were locked on his, searching for some sort of explanation.

“You're a mess of jumbled emotions. A bigger mess than the time you joined; and I know how you got there.”

“I guess I am.” My eyes got teary but I blinked them away, my lower lip quivered.

 “You're in constant pain. And I also need to know that when things get tough, you're not going to,” he released my collar and grabbed my wrists. “find your escape elsewhere.” he said as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. Tears were threatening. I blinked fast to get rid of the wetness without having to wipe at my eyes and give myself away. With a sigh of contentment I wrapped my arms around his neck. Giving hugs had its perks, hiding your face for example.

“I never knew you were this kind.” I would not have believed there could be such artful tenderness in a pair of strong hands if I haven't experienced it myself.

“Shut up.” Levi said, and I smiled to myself, closing my eyes. It felt pleasant. I welcomed the silence. After a moment of silence, I yawned in his ear.

“Will you stop yawning in my ear?”

“Sorry! I just yawned once though.” I mumbled. I wasn’t aware I was this tired, probably the tiredness from the whole week caught up on me. I pulled back a bit to look at him. I yawned again, this time mightily. Levi's face showed annoyance.

“You should sleep.” With a nod, I yawned and didn't bother to cover my mouth. Levi released me and I slowly walked towards the door.

“Would it be alright to leave the cup here?” I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. Hoping he would feel sorry for me and wouldn’t bother ordering me around at this late hour. Even though I was the one who brought them here in the first place.

“Get out.” I smiled sleepily and left his room in silence. Unable to process what just happened, maybe I will think about it later this day. Yes, I will. Now I have to find my room and my bed.

 _Where was it again?_ I looked around. _Oh, right._ I was walking down the stairs and turned right, eyeing in darkness the doors.

I caught the knob and opened the door, walked in and silently closed it behind me. Hoping I didn’t wake up any of my colleagues. I didn’t bother changing my clothes and just jumped on my bed with a deep sigh leaving my lips.  

 

* * *

 

I woke up to the sound of a knock on my door.

“For fucks sake let me sleep.” I groaned as I turned on my back. The pounding continued and I clenched my fingers into fists, ready to break someone’s teeth. As soon as I opened my eyes I remembered where I was and what had happened the night before. _Shit._ My heart was pounding. I felt like a teenager girl with her first love. How funny. I though the pounding will stop if I will ignore it, but the person kept banging on my door.

“You piece of shit.” I mumbled under my nose.

“God help me if you are Jean again.” With a groan, I tossed aside the bed sheet and swung my feet to the icy cold floor. This was one of those moments when I was glad I was wearing socks through the whole night.

“What?!” I swung the door open as I yelled.

“We are leaving soon.” Petra informed me. _Leaving? Where?_ There was no new information about leaving. Neither Erwin nor Levi said anything about leaving the walls. What was she talking about?

“Huh?” I cocked an eyebrow as I ran my hand through my hair, fixing them behind my ears. I believed I looked more than ridiculous.  “Where? What are you talking about?”

“Just… change your clothes and,” she looked up on my head. “fix that. We will wait you down.” I clicked my tongue at her and closed the door as I hissed my answer.

I walked into the bathroom as I was mumbling how ridiculous this was and I had no idea where we are going. I took off my clothes and took a quick shower.

I dried myself and took on new clothes, while brushing my hair. However, this time, I didn’t tie them up into a pony tail. I let them as they are, waving around. The weather was quite accepting so I wouldn’t get that sweaty with my hair down.

I took the bandage off and examined my wound. It was still healing. The skin had a few cut marks, lingering on my arm. It didn’t look nice, nor bad. I was a soldier so I was used to having my skin marked. I picked up a new bandage and quite a bit more carefully, started to re-bandage my wound once more.

Once I was finished, I closed the door behind me and walked down the stairs where I spoted Petra, Historia, Mikasa and Ymir standing in the middle of the hall. I wondered where Sasha was, did they left her out? _This will be interesting._  

“Hey—” I cut off Historia and earned an unpleasant glare from Ymir. I was always wondering what she saw in the petite blonde woman but I never questioned her, it was her problem not mine after all.

“So, what’s the plan?” I asked as I put my hands on my hips, questioning the group.

“We—” Ymir turned her head away and Mikasa was looking around, probably searching for Eren and Armin.

“I mean I,” Petra corrected herself. “though that we could go out?” I sighed and turned my back. So this was their plan?

“No, thanks.” I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jerked back, hand ready to attack.

“S-Sorry!” Historia apologized as she took a step back. Clever girl. Ymir was by her side the moment I hissed and her eyes were narrowed dangerously. Is she going to challenge me now, or later? Petra opened her mouth to say something but she decided not to.

“I have better things to do. So, my answer is no.” Ymir was behind Historia, her eyes turned into a darker shade of brown and she placed a hand on her shoulder. Mikasa was slowly walking away; she clearly cared for this event as much as I did. I rolled my eyes and showed them my back. And here I thought she would have a better idea. What was I even expecting from her anyway…?


	16. The Horse

My eye was almost fully healed. Good. Very good. I will finally look like a decent person again. It’s been two weeks already, couldn’t wait to see a normal face when I look in the mirror.

I was walking to the kitchen, lost in my thoughts. I was wondering if a cold package would quicken the healing process. When I bumped into something I mumbled a silent apology as I continued walking. Something, someone grabbed my injured arm and I hissed in return as I turned around. I was greeted with two pairs of blue eyes that stared at me assessingly. I stepped back, but he grabbed my arm and drew me towards him.

“What is it?” I demanded with a hiss. His grip on my arm tightened and I narrowed my eyes. “Sir.” I snapped. I tried to yank my arm free, but his grip only tightened more, making me wince in pain. He let me feel how terribly strong he was.

He released me and for a moment he gazed into my eyes as though trying to read my mind. A fire burned behind his gaze, a potent mixture of anger and bitterness.  I cocked an eyebrow at him. After a while Erwin turned to walk away. What was his problem? My arm stung with pain and started to feel itchy again. Great. Erwin was already climbing the stairs when I decided to follow him. He won’t be grabbing me anytime he pleases.

With a heavy sigh leaving my lips, I stood in front of his door as I knocked with my other hand. Silence. I clicked my tongue and knocked again. Nothing.

“Did the floor swallow him or what?” I hissed as I turned on my heel. My craving for a warm cup of coffee was long forgotten as I walked on the field. Ready to go back to my ritual of running.

I stretched my legs and my sides and my arms until my entire body had been stretched every which way. With a deep breath I started running, I started dreaming. It couldn't be helped. I wondered how will my brother cope with all this. I highly doubted he would survive a week here. If he would be selected under Levi, he wouldn't last a day. My fingers curled into fists, and my heart rammed in my chest. ERWIN! I yelled in my mind. Beads of sweat had formed on my forehead, running down my back. I wiped the sweat from my forehead onto the back of my shirt. I slowed down my running to a slow pace. My heart was hammering in my chest and my head was filled with all the things I wished I had said instead. I leaned over with my hands on my knees and tried to catch my breath.

The sky was darkening fast; as I was catching my breath I listened to the sounds of the night. How long have I been running? An hour passed, maybe two. My legs felt like someone had just stabbed millions of tiny knives into them. I wanted water. A lot of water. I collapsed to the ground. I couldn't go any further. My legs were in severe pain and my feet were never going to forgive me. I think I overdid it.

My eyelids feel heavy, like they're weighed down. “Shit, I can't fall asleep here.”  I snapped my eyes open and kept them that way. Scrambling to sit up, I pushed the pain away as I was trying to stand on my feet like a toddler. My legs felt like rubber bands as I was slowly moving forward. Silently I hoped someone would find me.

As I was slowly walking, I noticed a faint light in the stables. Who was there? It was late for anyone to go there at this hour. It was already dinner time. At the mention of dinner my stomach growled and I felt the early pangs of a hunger headache coming on. I walked to the stables and spotted Jean brushing his horse. There he sat, a brush in his hand a strand of the horse’s hair in his other one. It was weirdly funny. I started giggling harder and harder, and then I snorted, like a pig. I was laughing hysterically at the sight. I couldn't help myself. It really was pretty funny or at least I thought so.

“What’s your problem!?” Jean hissed and another wave of laughter hit me. He was mumbling something but it slipped my ears.

I held my stomach as I was giggling. “I-It’s just the...” I cough and tried to lessen my laughter. “Sorry, I was just taken aback and surprised with you being here.” I cleared my throat.

“What do you want?” He didn't look at me. “Seriously.” All his attention was fixed on the horse. The poor thing finally received some love after the beating she got from him.

“Nothing.” I said as I shrugged. “I was on the field and was about to go back when I saw the lights on.”

“You were running at this hour?”

“No. Not sure when I started running though. But when I finished it was already dark, so…” I sat down on the hay and hissed as pain hit me once again. I placed my hand on my leg and slowly massaged the aching muscles. He looked at me with one eye, then turned around and looked back at the horse.

“You good?”

“Hm?” I looked at him.

“I’m asking if you’re fine.”

“Ah, sure. Just ran more than I should have.” So nosy.  I smiled and a sigh escaped my lips.

We sat in silence until he finally said, “Let's go back. You should eat your dinner, and have a shower. You stick so bad.” He placed the brush down and walked towards me.

“Hey!” I snapped playfully, causing him to chuckle.

“Not going to stand up?”

“No, I think I will stay a bit longer.”

“Lies.”

“Excuse me?”

“C'mon. I want to see you wobble.” we laughed.

I punch his shoulder playfully. “Ouch,” responded Jean looking at me doubtfully. 

“You sensitive shit,” He didn't meet my gaze.

He came closer, grabbed my arm and dragged me to my feet. I flinched at his sudden movement.

“Who's the sensible shit now?” He smirked and leaned closer. “Not me.”

“Don't touch me,” I hissed. He reminded me of my firs training in the Survey Corps. Training with Levi was dreadfully tiring. He was a brute back then.

I whimpered slightly at the sudden movement as pain stabbed through my legs.

Jean squatted down showing me his back. “Climb on top of me,” he said.

“W-WHAT?!” I stuttered a nervous laugh. My cheeks went red, embarrassed by his sudden request.

Tapping his shoulder, he signalled, “Get on.” Reluctantly, I crawled up on his back, my heart fluttering in my chest. I place my hands around his neck and hold onto him. He grabbed me under my thighs, lifting me off the ground. I moved my head away from his as much as possible. I never realised Jean was this tall and strong. After that beating he got from me I thought he was a weakling but, maybe he was training more now. He smelled of hay and straw and the musky sweat.

My eyes were closing against my will. I was battling to stay awake. My chin landed on his shoulder. “You okay there?”

“Mmm,” I hummed in response, anxiously becoming aware that I will sooner or later fall asleep. I was no longer aware of my surrounding, I could only hope he will take me to my room and throw me on my bed, not my floor.

“Don’t drool all over me.” I hummed again, unaware what he said. My eyes were closed by then and I welcomed the slow drift into sleep.


End file.
